Have you ever notice that for INFPs, a description of soulmate is like a shopping list that takes 15 minutes to describe when they’re 20 and single, and still takes 15 minutes when they’re 40 and single?
INFPs everywhere are protesting that we aren’t that shallow. I can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that my soulmate is just someone who “gets” me.
My response is this: do you have to be physically attracted to your soulmate for them to be your soulmate?
What if he’s bald and noticeably shorter than you? What if she has bad teeth and a laugh that scares off harpies? Can they be your soulmate if they have horrendous hygiene and you find them disgusting?
Have you even looked? Perhaps that urine smelling homeless man that’s old enough to be your father that you pass every day on the way to work is the one person in the whole world who understands you and will accept you completely. You’re never going to find out by giving him the occasional dollar bill as you walk by.
INFPs seem offended by the notion that there’s a minimum attractiveness quotient before someone can really understand why some days we’re on the verge of tears for no apparent reason.
Here’s some bad news for you. If you believe there’s only one soulmate, that one person who’s just perfect for you, given that there’s 6 billion people, is statistically in a different country and most likely married or dead depending on the age. That’s a depressing thought so INFPs with Soulmate Syndrome have an additional condition called Destiny Delerium, the belief that the universe will make sure that their paths will cross.
Did you meet your one true love already and didn’t recognize that person as your true love? Maybe, you thought someone was your one true love until the really nasty divorce and now you’re realizing that your soulmate is someone who gets you and someone who doesn’t play World of Warcraft all day and picks up after themselves every once in a while.
Maybe, you won’t meet your one true love until your 70. Fate isn’t time bounded and has a wicked sense of humor.
I don’t know why so many INFPs choose to hold onto the belief of the one true love. It’s counterproductive because long term relationships have little to do with love. Love doesn’t conquer all. There’s a reason why our divorce rate is 50%. It’s from the belief that love fixes everything and when it doesn’t then you aren’t in love anymore.
For example, many couples break up over infidelity. Infidelity has very little to do with love and more to do with one partner looking outside the relationship to find whatever they think is missing in the current relationship. It’s not as if one person stopped loving the other. It’s about a breakdown in the relationship and differing values. Love has very little to do with maintaining long-term relationships.
Most INFPs I know want a loving, lasting relationship. Great relationships come from similar values, communication, mutual effort and timing. So why do INFPs focus so hard on finding that one person that “gets” them and not the person that picks up after themselves? I’m not saying that those traits are mutually exclusive. I’m just saying that finding someone who picks up after themselves is easier and contributes more to a lasting relationship than someone who understands your soul.
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Ross
Jan 12, 2010
5:09 pm
Beautifully put. The difference between reality and romance? Am I oversimplifying? At any rate, I usually end up managing to tease myself at least a little – what is it that’s so great about my soul anyway? Why am I so obsessed that I be properly understood? I can just imagine at the end of destiny’s trail, finally meeting the ultimate perceiver – he gazes upon my beauteous soul and he’s like “Ew. You haven’t picked up after yourself in years.”
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
I think romance has a definite place in reality. Romance can’t be the only reality. Also, I don’t think anyone has to understand you completely for a relationship to work. They just have to understand you enough.
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Karen Reply:
January 7th, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I completely disagree!! Are you sure you’re arent an INTJ?? We INFP’s are values people. Being understood is the whole ballgame. I can pick up his socks for crying out loud! I can be annoyed that i have to do it, but it won’t kill me. But being misunderstood is divorce material!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Anna Reply:
May 9th, 2011 at 9:21 am
As an INFP myself who has an INTJ boyfriend, I can attest that this post is still very consistent with INFPs and their values. With a strong set of beliefs and values, it is very important not to depend on others as all your answers and resources are within. Before anyone can really understand you, you must first notice and acknowledge how much you really understand yourself.
Melinda Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 9:00 am
@Karen – I heart you – as you speak the words of my soul.. Stand up for the INFP that DOES believe and hold true to who they are….and being understood IS what its all about……INFPs have a mission in this life to be understood so others can learn….
Julie
Jan 12, 2010
6:18 pm
I’m glad you chose to write on this topic. It’s very true. There is no way that there is ONE person out there meant for “you.” It’s about being open (and not “shallow”). I completely agree w/ the last sentence….actually the whole paragraph. Two INFP’s together, while maybe understanding each other’s “souls,” might not last due to other traits. Whereas, an INFP and another type might last due to “practical” traits that the other person has (strengths maybe?) that the INFP may not hold. Just a few of my thoughts. Oh, and I do think that “love” can make a relationship last. But love in the truest sense of the word…not “romantic” love, but the kinda love where you love the person, as an action, even when you don’t “feel” like it….consciously choosing to love.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Loving someone is definitely an action. You do loving things in order to show love for another person and it’s in that doing that grows and sustains a loving relationship. I always point people to the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman since people feel loved in different ways.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Excellent book! I’m constantly referring people to that one, too.
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Nina Reply:
March 28th, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I totally agree with the “it’s all about being open” statement. Love is definitely a state of mind, in my opinion. It’s about accepting and knowing yourself enough so that you can turn to someone else who is different from you and learn to accept them and value them for who they are. I strongly believe that everyone equally deserves love and respect. The real factor is how much difference you are able to handle in your relationship. In my opinion, looking for someone very similar to you (someone who “gets” you) just indicates that you need reassurance and that you are not able to detach from your inner self very much and experience difference. Anyway. My conception is probably very naive… I might also consider being an Enneagram 9 :p.
But when you say in your article there needs to be minimum attractiveness etc… In my extremely idealistic view, the most real and absolute love would be a relationship that is precisely not spontaneous at all, where each partner is so open that they can learn from their complete opposite and embrace their differences with determination and harmony. This would be beauuutiful
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julie
Jan 12, 2010
9:31 pm
Yes! I have that book and have read it a few times. Definitely a good read. I have also recommended it to people. I think “quality time” is my main “love language.” Oh, and “words of affirmation.”
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 12:38 am
My main ones are quality time and physical touch. My wife’s is acts of service and quality time. So I remember to do the dishes and she tries not to roll her eyes when I hug her all the time.
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INFP lady
Jan 14, 2010
10:18 pm
Amen! This is so true, and especially for INFPs. I was under the Destiny Delusion, and Soulmate Syndrome when I was first married. I know I made an amazing choice though, seriously would be hard-pressed to find a more supportive, responsible, interesting guy, who also shares my values.
Amen to WORKING on relationships… not finding the ‘perfect’ one.
I too am married to an INTJ. I really think it’s a great choice for INFPs. He helps me ‘access my not crazy side’ (The Office quote)
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 1:22 am
The one thing that INFPs have in our favor is good intuition. We can pick out the ones that will work on the relationship with us.
It’s when we ignore our intuition when it tells us that the bad things in the other person is detrimental to the relationship. Everybody has behaviors that the other person doesn’t like which is fine, unless those behaviors are detrimental to a relationship (i.e. alcoholism, gambling, bad spending habits, avoidance issues, etc.) It goes bad when we convince ourselves, we can change that other person, and when we finally realize that we can’t, that’s when the relationship falls apart.
What you get, is pretty much what you get.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
That’s a good point. The worst relationships I’ve been in are the ones that I ignored my intuition about. I tend to convince myself that I can change that other person and that never ends up working well.
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akhila Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Am in a relationship… something like the man in my imaginations springing out of my dreams and standing in front of me!
During the decision phase, I was too particular about NO incompatibility regarding values, and of course, he’s the only one so perfect in getting connected with my weird world!
Actually, i trusted my intuition. Trusted it so badly, that I didn’t step back though I had a billion reasons to do so, subsequently. though my logical mind betrayed me and gave me constant feedback that I’m being wrong, I strongly believed that I’d have got a hint if it were really wrong. I might have ignored the hint at that time, but still I’d remember that I had a hint.
Oh I was right! He accepted me, and now I realize why things suddenly went wrong all because of me! I’ve grown up, am better now… So is he!! And we’ve a wonderful world!!!
Bindy
Apr 9, 2010
3:10 am
Hi
I love your blog. I found out I was INFP about 4 years ago and it was a revelation to me in terms of why I spent most of my life feeling like a square peg in a round hole – it certainly helped with my self-acceptance and my endless quest to transform myself into something that seemed more socially-acceptable (ie something more along the lines of ESxx).
Anyway, re: the soulmate thing – I believe this is common in NFs and is due to our high degree of empathy; we want to mutually connect with our significant other at that level. Indeed, I have read elsewhere that one of the most frustrating things about being INFP is that feeling that you always ‘get’ what is going on in the core of other people while you rarely feel that anyone ‘gets’ you. I’m not an overly romantic person, nor do I believe in ‘The One’ but I do know that I need that deep connection with my significant other. I’ve dated a lot of INTx and although I love the shared ‘N’ way of looking at the world, ultimately their lack of empathy and cold, hard, logical way of being leaves me cold. The one person I did connect with on a profoundly deep level was an ENFJ. His warmth and empathy were amazing – we could talk for hours. I would say that he ‘got’ me in a way I’ve never experienced before or since. I had no idea that type of connection was even possible until I met him. That particular relationship didn’t work out, but that’s the level of connection I now look for – it’s hard to accept anything less once that has been experienced.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Yeah I agree w/ you on this. I definitely feel that I “get” people much more than they “get” me. I confess I still hold onto the souldmate ideal, but mainly b/c I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t “get” me.
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ruby Reply:
October 14th, 2010 at 12:27 am
i also agree with this…the one where i need to be in a deep connection with my chosen partner…i’ve experienced it twice and the first one didn’t work out but the second is well…it’s a really far fetched relationship and rather vague but i’m working on it…and because of those experiences, i do not want to accept anything that’s less than those…it’s not that there is only ONE person for you…it’s just that it’s really rare to find someone who can complement your soul…and for me, it’s not a matter of someone who ‘gets’ me…i just love the feeling that i have when i’m with them or when i’m talking to them…it’s like i can do anything for them without them even knowing it…
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Anita Reply:
October 26th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Yep, well said. These are my feelings as well. Especially these last few lines: “i just love the feeling that i have when i’m with them or when i’m talking to them…it’s like i can do anything for them without them even knowing it…” Fits perfectly.
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bicicletaazul
Apr 9, 2010
5:02 pm
My husband is ESTJ…not heaven as far as being “gotten”. It’s been plenty of work, and plenty of feeling misunderstood, especially in the earlier stages of our relationship. (And he hasn’t always felt valued by me, for sure..) But–in a practical sense he’s been really good for me. He’s helped me so much to develop confidence in my (worldly)abilities, and his common sense has given me a much more useful way to manage the world around me when I’m feeling swirled in a visionary idealism that can keep me from getting anything done.. the main thing is that he loves me with a loyalty and patience that I’ve never before experienced. We may not always feel “percento de ciento simpatico”–but on a deep level he’s got my back, and I’ve got his. That’s worth millions.
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anonymus
Apr 12, 2010
9:55 am
It’s because they want it that way. What it means for them won’t ever be the same for you. That’s the basic concept of “perceiving”. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. People who find it hard to accept something usually has a tendency to “judge” more than “perceive”. Example : Is it hard for you to accept that 1+1 is not always 2?
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ockhamdesign Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
I think what I find the hardest to accept is that INFPs for all our vaunted ability at perceiving, we’re pretty damn crappy when it comes to relationships. I’m not talking about meaning. I’m looking at actual measurable results which are INFPs on forums complaining how terribly they’ve misjudged people and how those relationships end badly. I just don’t believe INFPs want it that way.
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Mark Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 8:02 pm
It’s not the perceiving that’s the problem–its the idealism! We can perceive flaws in ourselves and others all to well!
Don’t settle, but you said it, you don’t have to be understood perfectly–just enough.
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hello
Apr 18, 2010
2:14 am
I like what you write. As an INFP, I’ve noticed the changes that I’ve gone through as I’ve gotten older from .. getting offended that physical attraction IS in the equation .. to accepting that I am somewhat shallow and it’s fine. Sadly as a result, I’ve noticed that I get annoyed by other INFPs more easily than before.. because it seems like many of us impose ideals on ourselves or think we have qualities or preferences that we don’t actually have. You sound like you’re very mature and have a good understanding of how we function. It’s been fun reading so far
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ockhamdesign Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 3:10 am
I don’t think it has anything to do with being shallow and everything to do with being realistic.
I think it’s great that INFPs hold ourselves to our ideals. Though we may not have those qualities now, our Self Ideal is something to strive for. However, everything should be questioned and nothing taken for granted including our ideals.
I can’t tell any INFP that their ideals are right or wrong. But I want other INFPs to ask if their ideals are right for them. Everyone has their vision of the ideal mate. However, if we’ve never found our soulmate or if we found our soulmate and they left, maybe it’s time we re-examine what soulmate should mean.
We believe our ideals because we think they are right. We hold onto those ideals long after they’ve proven to be unhelpful because we don’t want to be wrong. I’ve noticed that being right and being effective are two different things.
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hello Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
right, I guess “shallow” is not a good way to put it. I can be extreme in my choice of words sometimes. (Is that an INFP thing?)
have you ever posted something about how you met/ended up with your wife? It’s not exactly the theme of your blog but I think it could be helpful/interesting
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Ouch. That’s a very good point. I met (who I thought was) my soulmate in college; he and I had amazing conversations and he’s one of the only people I ever felt truly “got” me. Unfortunately he moved on with life, didn’t want a relationship with me, and yet I still find myself clinging to the notion that he is “the one” for me. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I have such trouble finding a guy now. Maybe I’m still clinging to that ideal that I had back then and not letting go or reassessing what’s important. Definitely something I’ll need to think about.
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INFP Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I know exactly what you mean. And as healthy as it is to remind yourself that there may not be “the one,” I find it hard to lower standards to a point where you feel like you’re living inside of yourself and pretending like you’re living with someone else. It is much easier if you’ve never had anyone get you. Then, you just think that’s how life should be. You love people, they try to love you back but you don’t think anyone’s ever going to understand you the way you know yourself.
Finding someone that does “get” you can potentially ruin your life. Because then it’s not some fantasy that you were fed by the world about finding a soul mate. It’s a real feeling. A real connection.
I’m not saying that there is only one person ever who you can feel that with – but I am saying that it takes accepting that you’ll be alone for a while (maybe forever) if you want to feel that connection with someone again.
It’s as dangerous and risky thing, but what else is life about? Connect with people as deeply as you possibly can, and I’ve got to keep believing that there are more people out there that will find me to not be a sweet person who lives in my head, but will be capable of actually getting to know all the undefinable parts of me.
Here and Now
May 5, 2010
4:18 pm
This blog has been an absolute GODSEND! I am just learning that I am an INFP and reading all of the comments have FINALLY made me feel as if SOMEBODY gets it! Are there conventions designed for our personalities? If not, it would be a great idea for someone to initiate!
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ockhamdesign Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
INFPs have much in common but at the same time were so uniquely individual. If you want to connect with other INFPs and discover all the different shapes and psyches of INFPs, I would recommend checking out the forums on Personality Cafe or Facebook. You can find those links under my Social Networking Resources.
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Hekutoru
Jul 9, 2010
1:03 am
I have a question, when ever the girl that i like talks to me i kinda get an emotionally “explosion”. where i get shy, scared of being rejected, and i just can’t think about what i should say back, i also feel like leaving the room because am afraid of other people listining to my conversation, and it happens at concerts, are activitys with the band, do you have any advice on how i can overcome it, are how i can tell that she likes me. (am a clarinet player for the band, i hate the part where we perform lol.)
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Corin Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 2:45 am
This is very hard, but other people not just girls respond better at the beginning of relationships if they’re not the most important things in your life. There so much less pressure on you and on them at the beginning when you have other activities and goals that are much much more important that having a relationship.
My wife was about 4th on my list when I first met her. Writing, dancing and personal development came before relationships. We dated but I had more important things and so did she. I enjoyed spending time with her, but mostly I focused on writing and dancing. We really didn’t start become important to each other until 6 or 8 months later. It was about 14 months after we started dating when I realized that she’d become one of the most important things in my life was when I decided to ask her to marry me.
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Hector
Aug 21, 2010
12:48 pm
How do i stop loving someone? i really need to know because it hurts, ever time i see my best friend, who is in love the same girl, I need to know because at first i thought that my best friend liked someone else, but he has more of a chance and i think he told her he’s feelings last night when we were all at the movies together, i feel heart broken and am getting nightmares and i am in denial and am depressed. and i can’t help loving her i promised myself that i would stop loving her, even tho she doesn’t know it but am trying my hardest to tell her, am just so depressed from being deprived of my only steady flow of motivation, and i don’t want to not feel pain anymore, what should i do?
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Corin Reply:
August 22nd, 2010 at 9:23 pm
More than any other type, I think INFPs regret those things they didn’t do over things they did that didn’t turn out well.
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Hector
Aug 24, 2010
12:08 am
why do we always want to feel loved, but left alone, and we are very demanding, INFPs have to feel loved when there out of there alone time, but the majority people don’t understand us or don’t want to understand us, and we are like big children we need to be motivated, and if you motivate one you open up possibilities that weren’t there before! i need a lover! <3 lol first time i did that!
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ruby Reply:
October 14th, 2010 at 12:42 am
love…as to be loved…understand…as to be understood…and motivate…as to be motivated…be a lover to get a lover…heheh…^^
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Al
Aug 30, 2010
11:24 pm
Firstly, I like your blog. I do disagree with this post though.. but I am an overly romantic INFP..
I must be one lucky INFP – I’ve been married nearly ten years to my one true love who is my soul mate. We have an almost psychic connection and domestic bliss rules in our house….
Luck? Well, I was praying for it for two years and the Lord blessed me by answering my prayers. I married a girl who had been a very good friend for six years. We have two wonderful kids now. I will say the foundation of our marriage is a solid friendship, loving each other’s company and being true soulmates.
Isn’t belief in divine serendipity and true love part of being an INFP? You can’t take it away from us.
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INFP Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:32 pm
Congratulations! That’s really special and I’m glad you’re cherishing it.
Do you know what type she is (just curious)
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Mack
Oct 29, 2010
8:55 pm
Regarding a soulmate my point of view is i would want to choose someone where the prospect of success is high. It does mean not everyone will do it’s not however a destiny thing. If we are not suited as partners then life could be harder together than apart
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Tulay Gunes
Dec 16, 2010
12:36 pm
I’m an INFP and I get what you’re saying about reality v. fantasy. However, I could never ever see myself settling down with someone who picks up after themselves! I don’t know what exactly you mean by that and as a result I’ve probably oversimplified it to mean someone who doesn’t have disgusting habits.
I don’t believe that there is only one true soulmate out there for us, I believe there are many – the evidence I have for this is purely anecdotal – I have fallen in love twice in my life (I’m 25) and I know that every 2 years or so, an extremely special guy comes along my way (whether we get together or not is a different matter altogether) that makes me think I really really like him to the point that I could see myself loving him. These guys have always been attractive to me – I’d never be attracted to a guy who doesn’t wash himself or whom I find repellent in other ways. I think people fall in love when there is equality of attractiveness – whether that be physical, personality-wise, emotionally, spiritually or a combination of all.
Also, I’d rather be single my whole life and meet the right guy for me in later life than be with someone who’s simply nice and treats me well but there’s no chemistry. As an INFP I’m quite happy being solitary and entertaining myself by engaging in my passions (art and writing) – I don’t need a body to touch just to know that my hand can feel alive. I feel alive already, I don’t need someone to validate me, if that makes any sense.
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INFP Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:38 pm
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I hope that the author of this article didn’t truly think that inviting somebody who prides themselves on cleanliness into their home and marrying them is a good idea. Hopefully all these other INFPs don’t have friends that they hate or think are disgusting. How else would you start to get to know someone than by being friends first? I don’t feel like that’s such a stretch. Being in love is not the end-all-be-all of existence, but it is real. It can be incredibly real and incredibly important.
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lelia
Jan 11, 2011
7:54 am
oh i’m so glad there is people like me! I always felt so lonely and misunderstood and now I’ve found out what personality type I am…
I ‘m trying very hard to overcome the destiny delirium and soulmate thing. it caused me a broken heart for years actually I’m sad to say, and closing doors to some lovely , maybe more fitting suitors. How silly can I be !!!
thank you for all your posts!
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Robyn Walter
Jan 16, 2011
10:20 am
I think people hold misconceptions about what a soulmate truly is. Hollywood romanticizes love and sets unrealistic standards for its viewers. I don’t believe a soulmate is simply a “one-and-only.” I believe a soulmate is anyone who does “get” you. A family member, a best friend, a confidant, a lover, etc… The lucky one’s are those that find a spouse who does “get” them. They basically make up the entire list: family, best friend, confidant, and so-forth. I am in my second marriage. The first time I didn’t believe in the idea of a soulmate or a one-and-only. But, that is just it! I had the wrong idea of what a soulmate is. Love is HUGE! But, loving someone is not enough. Loving someone who you “get” and who “gets” you is ENORMOUS! I have been lucky enough to have that this second go around. I do believe he is my soulmate, not my one and only. I have other soulmates, like my best girl friend and even some people I associate with , but don’t necessarily do anything with. The beauty of being married to a man who identifies with me and who I am at my core self is indescribable because having this in our relationship does make it much easier when things get hard and I think this has a great deal to do with personality types. I am new to this topic and I am learning so much more about my own type and the correlation to that and my relationships. It is captivating.
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Frd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I felt like I was reading something I would write! I think I have several soulmates already and yes the odds are low of anyone ever finding that but it is possible and it is so worth living for! As INFPs, our whole lives are defined by our emotions in a way and we are so capable of feeling things deeply and strongly. The opportunity to feel love and genuine connection for us is probably one of the strongest things that happens to anyone in the world.
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Spring
Jan 19, 2011
3:41 pm
Do you subscribe to the Socionics theory? It goes into type relations and pairing. According to socionics, an ESTP is a good match for an INFP. When I was single, I attracted ESTPs, but I wound up marrying an ENTP. It’s been a very difficult 10 years with a lot of him wanting me to pick something and stick to it and me being very needy and irresponsible. Because of his ENTP nature, he studied personality typing for years and helped me to discover I was an INFP but it made me feel less hopeful about our relationship, realizing that the things that are a conflict are things that I really can’t change. I can be more responsible, but I will always be kind of mushy, moody and leaning toward hippie tendencies. We connect well when we are philosophizing about some weird esoteric things, but neither of us is very practical and he oscillates between being obsessed with a project or subject and wanting to have fun. But we don’t consider the same things fun. This would all be very entertaining if I weren’t living it.
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Corin Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 2:40 am
I’ve never studied Socionics. I find that relationships and the interaction between two people are much more complicated than can be adequately explained by type.
My wife is an INTJ which basically means that she would prefer that I show up on time. How INTJ/INFP relationships work out is very different depending on individual values.
As far as relationships go, I prefer the The Five Love Languages. It’s a very general look at how relationships work but I like it for the same reason I like the MBTI. Both are very broad and works as a good starting point. Neither are the end all to figuring out how I work or how relationships should work.
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Spring
Jan 20, 2011
9:08 am
I agree with you about relationships being more complicated. My belief is always that there is no measure to the human spirit. If someone wants to do something and believes in a cause, they can be or do anything. Type only tells us how we might do it. Still, I’m reminded by my husband that he would much rather do things in a group than us just having one on one time.
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Frd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:51 pm
That must be difficult. I think all relationships go through a lot of phases especially once you’ve been together for a while and feel like you can take each other for granted. I think this same thing can happen with people who’s types match up perfectly. It’s hard to be all things to somebody, and it probably shouldn’t work that way. If it makes you feel any better about that particular predicament, I don’t know if there’s a way out of it. If you’re an I with an E, it’s going to feel like that sometimes. But, even I and I relationships feel like that because one person will end up saying that they wish the other made them go out in groups more. Opposites attract more often than not (and that’s what the Socionics relationship suggestions thing is sort of based on) but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Every relationship is hard.
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Penny
Feb 4, 2011
3:35 pm
I do believe in “Soulmate”. When you meet, there is this feeling right away that you have known each other before in another life, the comfort is amazing as you feel completely relaxed around this person. I found I could talk more freely and open, always being myself. It is an amazing experience.
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Ashlee
Mar 18, 2011
4:02 pm
This is a really good website. I agree that no personality theory is adequate to explain what will happen between two people, but is just a general guide. I like the Five Love Languages as well, but have a hard time picking any. It’s not gifts or acts of service, but I crave all the rest!
I’ve never believed in “the one” but do believe in soul mates, and that soul mates can take many more forms than romantic partners, and that we can have many soul mates in our lives. My unrealistically romantic and idealistic INFP tendencies have caused me to become quite depressed when the man I love has not been able to fulfill my every need. Over the last couple of years I’ve matured and realised that we need to spread ourselves out and have at least a few close relationships at a time. Realising this has helped me a lot.
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Libby
May 10, 2011
10:53 am
I absolutely agree that the soulmate idea is a total myth that gets in the way of reality. If somebody got me completely (or nearly) he’d be my therapist, and how exhausting wouldn’t that be for him six or more hours a day?
After now 36 years or so together, I know that my ENFP husband doesn’t always get me – he’s not my soulmate, but he’s my great friend and companion. There’s a lot he gets about me, is non-judgemental, affectionate, non-critical – just nice. We talk about all kinds of stuff (but not my deep dark inner stuff).
I have the idea that lasting relationships come from all kinds of sequential choices, to accept that person where he or she is, to keep going, to be grateful for what they are to you and so on. I’m INFP, anyway, but I think the soulmate thing is a mistake – waste of time. Be the one who gets yourself. That’s hard enough work! and spares the other to be themselves.
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PSkalla
Sep 9, 2011
1:01 pm
Interesting point of view. My personal belief is we all have many “soul mates” that are meant to serve differing purposes, not romantic ones exclusively. I have two very close friends, one I dated the other I did not. The friend I did not date I never had romantic feelings for, but did connect with on a pretty deep level. The notion there is only one is somewhat unrealistic.
I wish I could remember what my ex wife was. (Leaning hard toward ENTJ) She seemed to get me early on, eventually letting her logic take over and rationalize away however I felt. I truly thought she was the one, until the little differences starting cropping up and growing. The funny thing is that she didn’t really meet many of the ideals I’d built up…but I clung onto bending her closer to the ideal. (I wonder how many INFPs do that)
I do carry some physical ideals, but to me they are secondary to personality. (After all a gold plated turd is still a turd)
Interesting blog, keep it up.
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Dmd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Wow. I completely agree. I still hope my current relationship works out, but that is absolutely what it feels like. I have best friend soulmates and it’s an amazing mutual expereince. In fact, my boyfriend was one of those to me. We had no physcial attraction until one day (literally a single day) both of us just wanted each other. That brought on a whole different level that we hadn’t felt before. But, he is incredibly logical and rational to the point that I feel like my emotions don’t count as much as I think they should. Now, things are seeming like they should downshift back into friendship but I’m not ready to let go of the other connections we have. To answer you’re wondering, I’m an INFP who feels like I’m doing a similar thing – clinging onto what I know his ideal could be.
The physical ideals are either there or they’re not in my opinion. Like I said, someone can be your soulmate on one level and then if you’re attracted to them as well, that can change it to something different. I am having a hard time though, because I think that having a sexual connection with someone who also has the potential to understand you is so wonderful, and I don’t know what it would be like to let it go.
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PSkalla Reply:
November 15th, 2011 at 5:28 pm
I will give you a piece of advice about switching back down into friends gear from having a sexual (or semi so in my case). It’s very hard, and will test the limits of the friendship to the extreme. In my particular case, when I’d met the young lady she was actually engaged. I had told her that I realized that she was engaged, but was interested in a friendship. So for around 3 years and 4 boyfriends we wrote to each other. One of those little quirky things we did. Eventually we dated, and due to bad timing and some outside interferences we broke up. She ended up marrying a mutual friend. For me it was tough to switch back down to being friends after being in such an emotionally charged relationship. For many years (well, until another moderately traumatic relationship) I just buried the emotions. Not until I got married to my ex did I fully reconcile. Once I was married, it was much easier to relate to this friend of mine as something other than a love interest.
Oddly enough, she ended up getting divorced recently herself…We almost hooked up again, but realized the fire just wasn’t there and it was okay.
The problem that I usually have is difficulty meeting people in the first place, and then acting like a lost pup when I get any attention. I’ll idealize them to the point that I get internally jealous and a little crazy. I’m learning to temper that with patients.
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Kendra
Dec 1, 2011
10:15 am
Aaaah! I have this picture in my bedroom! I love it! As for your insightful view on the “soulmate”… well done. You have an interesting way of putting things into perspective! I agree that the thought of one person that you are destined to be with is ridiculous. Thankfully I have been with someone for a long time that understands my quirks and loves them! He is completely the opposite of me and appreciates how I “lead with my heart” while he mulls everything over and analyzes everything. I appreciate that he also picks up his dirty socks and does laundry. We complement eachother well.
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Andy
Jan 12, 2012
1:27 pm
Soulmates – I personally believe they exist. Do I believe there is only one match per person… No. Do I feel that attraction is part of it, it has to be, but define attraction. An individual can be physically gorgeous and be completely unattractive… and I am quite sure it can work the other way too (as for the homeless man who smells of pee? well I sadly must admit I am a bit shallower than that… sigh) I do understand the concept of this blogpost though. There truely is something to be said for some-one who picks up after themselves and contributes more to the relationship than ‘getting’ you and good sex. First off I have found that we must first ‘get’ and like ourselves or we will forever be searching for some-one to make us complete. Two halves do not make a whole – they make two halves that are desperatley trying to be whole while co-existing with one another and blaming one another for their perpetual state of unhappiness. Also resentment is a very ugly emotion that builds easily when the said ‘soulmate’ doesn’t contribute – pick up after themselves, do chores, work!!! etc…
I long for “fireworks”, for the “perfect” match, for the “soulmate” – MY soulmate… but a good friend who is there, who will listen even when they don’t get me – well there’s something kinda nice about that thought… I may not be able to change the fact that I am an INFP (and I don’t want to) but I can adjust the way I choose to see things. My personally type is not a law book of how I am to behave but rather a guide to help me understand why I behave the way I do so I can change the things I don’t like or am unsure of.
I also think there is something to be said for reality. Being a dreamer sucks if all it ever is, is a dream. I want to touch it, feel it, make it real. Anyways I may have gotten a bit off topic there…
Back to soulmates a good friend told me her theory on love: Immature love wants you because it needs you. Mature love needs you because it wants you. Thats what I am looking for. Being NEEDED is like an anchor around your neck, it drags you down and drowns you. I just want to be wanted, for who I am and nothing more.
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