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Nov

30

2009

My INTJ

rodinKiss

As of Friday last week, I’ve been married to an INTJ for 13 years. I attribute most of that success to finding someone who was willing to put up with me. That and the fact that I’ve never expected her to make me happy. Your personal happiness is a big burden to place on another person.

I’ve always believed that if my life was crap, burdening someone else with the responsibility to relieve the crappiness is just a crappy thing to do someone. They have their own crap to deal with.

For my part, I don’t try to make her happy. She finds that on her own. I just make it easier for her which mostly entails doing dishes, cooking and keeping my mess confined to my office.

I don’t agree that there’s an ideal MBTI pairing for potential mates because lasting relationship are built on similar values. If one INFP is a vegan and the other INFP is a vegan axe-murderer, I don’t think that relationship is going to work out.

However, certain MBTI pairings make it easier with the day-to-day. Here’s why I think things have worked so well being with an INTJ:

  1. We’re both I’s so neither of us needs to be the center of attention. I love E’s but being with outgoing E’s can be draining.
  2. Her J balances my P. One of us has to remember to pay the bills on time.
  3. Her J keeps us moving ahead. It’s good that at least one of us knows what they want. I can tag along until I figure out what I want.
  4. Being N’s helps us both recognize that we’re heading into rough waters before the problems blow up.
  5. My wife being an NTJ makes her driven which makes me want to get my act together. I can’t be a dilettante forever.
  6. Being NTJ and NFP, we approach problem solving differently which increases the chances of finding a solution.
  7. Being a P tends to make me more easy going which balances your her J need to make things happen right away. Life doesn’t always want to do things by our schedule.
  8. Being INT and INF, we’re pretty strong in our sense of ourselves and our values which is the basis of any relationship.
  9. Her NTJ keeps me grounded and focused when the NFP side makes me flighty trying to do a too many projects at once.
  10. As a P, I don’t mind when she changes her mind later. I’ve managed to adapt.

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17 Responses to “My INTJ”

  1. Amanda Linehan

    Dec 14, 2009

    6:47 pm

    Hi Corin – I love what you have to say at the beginning of this post. Basically, that other people are not responsible for your fulfillment. So, expecting someone to “make up for” things you lack or want is unrealistic, and so is expecting them to cater to your happiness. I’m glad you found your INTJ. Maybe as INFPs we have a tendency to idealize people and relationships (actually I know we do!), so this is a well needed message! Nice work. :)

    [Reply]

    ockhamdesign Reply:

    As INFP, we hold so tightly to our individuality. We consider an affront if someone tries to change us.

    On the other hand, some INFPs don’t ever learn to connect to others so they feel cut off and isolated. And in the back of their minds, they think that if they meet the one special person then they won’t feel lonely.

    That feeling of isolation and loneliness comes from INFP behavior that needs has to change in order to connect to others. I’ve always found those to wants so diametrically opposed.

    Do we want retain the individuality and behavior that makes us who we are, but also at times cuts us off? Or do we want to meet someone we can connect with but will have to change us in order for us for that connection to happen?

    It can’t be both ways and I don’t think many INFPs understand that.

    [Reply]

    E Reply:

    How does one connect with others without feeling like they have betrayed their individuality/values?

    [Reply]

  2. Marky

    Feb 26, 2010

    5:52 pm

    I love the last item, #10:

    As a P, I don’t mind when she changes her mind later. I’ve managed to adapt.

    Read: I wish my “S” didn’t freak every time I change MY mind.

    I’ve been in a relationship with an ISTJ for 25 years and I still drive him nuts with my ever changing mind.

    [Reply]

  3. Joy

    Jun 27, 2010

    8:53 am

    hi, Im a INTJ going out with an ENFP. I laughed so much when you said
    “I’ve always believed that if my life was crap, burdening someone else with the responsibility to relieve the crappiness is just a crappy thing to do someone. They have their own crap to deal with.” Iv always felt the same way, but my boyfriend on the other hand almost wants me to set the responsibility of making me happy on him. And he wants me to do the same. I feel perfectly able to do that for him, but I dont think he could do that for me (on a regular basis) because ENFPs are like bouncy balls, they never go back to the same place twice!

    [Reply]

  4. entj personality

    Jul 6, 2010

    2:59 pm

    This is a great post. NTJs generally get along great with NFPs. I’ve seen many examples in real life. Check out this article on entj infp compatibility

    [Reply]

    Corin Reply:

    One of my good friends is an ENTJ. I tend to like the bluntness. However, most of my ENTJ friends have great communication skills. It’s the occasional ENTJ that hasn’t fine-tuned their communications skills that I find off-putting.

    [Reply]

    Mark Reply:

    I’m a gay male INFP and have a close transgender (MTF) friend who I just figured out is ENTJ. I always asked her to take the online test but she never did. Initially, I had typed her as ESTJ. I was one letter off.

    Then one day BOOM! It hit me… DUH! How did I miss this? How can she NOT be an ENTJ???

    She’s a big wig… literally and also heads a big company in a big office with a big chair and knows everything. Or at leasted acts like she does.

    Although I’ve become a skeptic at times, I’ll give it to her for the ability to wing-it in unfamiliar topics. Pretending like she is the expert. I used to always fall for it, being the typical gullible INFP.

    I see how she can sometimes alienate others who do not understand this type. She often picks on everyone, but she’s just being funny. If she’s not giving you shit, then she probably doesn’t like you.

    Mark – AZ | GAYS

    [Reply]

    Corin Reply:

    One of my good friend is an ENTJ. I’ve always gotten along with ENTJs. I don’t take things personally and I stand my ground when they start treading on things I have strong feelings about. They’re always surprised when I stand my ground the first time. My reply is always the same, just because I don’t say anything about all the other stuff doesn’t mean I agree with you or that I think that you were right. The other stuff wasn’t important enough to bother disagreeing with.

    [Reply]

  5. helen

    Jun 13, 2011

    11:59 pm

    i am deeply encouraged because i began dating an INTJ! :-) I am so happy to find this blog. I keep coming back here; it’s like a breath of fresh air! I surely hope I can interact with you, Corin! I am most certain to learn so much from your rich experience as an INFP!

    [Reply]

  6. rachel

    Jun 24, 2011

    9:53 pm

    seriously, what is it with this pairing? great compatibility although i wish he were more spontaneous sometimes.. he probably wishes I was more logical sometimes :)

    -infp female, married to intj male

    [Reply]

    Yasmin Reply:

    How did you get your Huby’s attention who went to who first. sorry I’m curious I’m an INFP and i like an INTJ i think he likes me too but i dont know what to do.

    [Reply]

  7. Sanddunes

    Sep 24, 2011

    4:00 am

    Really grateful for this entry- it’s a good affirmation of the beautiful INFP-INTJ r’ship I have right now. In others’ eyes it’s a really weird r’ship, but it always amazes me how well it works. Hope you write more about yours.

    [Reply]

  8. INFP

    Nov 2, 2011

    11:57 pm

    How does the INTJ – INFP relate to the ever lauded INTJ – ENFP “perfect match”? I’m a female INFP dating a male INTJ, but he’s developed feelings for an ENFP (I think partially because of all the research about those being the best possible match). Is there something to this?

    [Reply]

    Corin Reply:

    When it comes to relationships, most people by default tend to enter relationships to balance out perceived voids. Voids becomes values. If you perceive fun as missing from your life then fun becomes something you value. In turn, you try to meet fun people to fill that perceived void. Basically, you get attracted to people who you think will fill missing pieces in your life. Some of the things you want to fill may be more prevalent in some personality types than others. However, what a person perceives is missing is very individualized based on history and not personality.

    ENFPs tend to be more physically affectionate, happy-go-lucky, emotionally warmer, etc. If an INTJ perceives those qualities are what’s missing from their life then that’s who they’ll be drawn towards.

    [Reply]

  9. Sierra

    Jul 18, 2012

    3:42 pm

    I am an INFP, through and through, and I had dated an INTJ for the last year and a half. We were engaged to be married as soon as I was able to move in with him, but he suddenly, in the span of a few hours after saying ‘I love you’, said he had no feelings for me whatsoever. He began dating another INTJ a week after breaking off the engagement. Is there any way to explain this random behavior using his personality type? I am rather confused about it because we had been almost exactly like you and your relationship.

    [Reply]

  10. Konkelvonk

    Jul 31, 2013

    11:52 pm

    I looooove your site,dude!

    My INFJ wife is very much the same.I admire the J, I’m terrible at organizing anything.

    [Reply]

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