As of Friday last week, I’ve been married to an INTJ for 13 years. I attribute most of that success to finding someone who was willing to put up with me. That and the fact that I’ve never expected her to make me happy. Your personal happiness is a big burden to place on another person.
I’ve always believed that if my life was crap, burdening someone else with the responsibility to relieve the crappiness is just a crappy thing to do someone. They have their own crap to deal with.
For my part, I don’t try to make her happy. She finds that on her own. I just make it easier for her which mostly entails doing dishes, cooking and keeping my mess confined to my office.
I don’t agree that there’s an ideal MBTI pairing for potential mates because lasting relationship are built on similar values. If one INFP is a vegan and the other INFP is a vegan axe-murderer, I don’t think that relationship is going to work out.
However, certain MBTI pairings make it easier with the day-to-day. Here’s why I think things have worked so well being with an INTJ:
- We’re both I’s so neither of us needs to be the center of attention. I love E’s but being with outgoing E’s can be draining.
- Her J balances my P. One of us has to remember to pay the bills on time.
- Her J keeps us moving ahead. It’s good that at least one of us knows what they want. I can tag along until I figure out what I want.
- Being N’s helps us both recognize that we’re heading into rough waters before the problems blow up.
- My wife being an NTJ makes her driven which makes me want to get my act together. I can’t be a dilettante forever.
- Being NTJ and NFP, we approach problem solving differently which increases the chances of finding a solution.
- Being a P tends to make me more easy going which balances your her J need to make things happen right away. Life doesn’t always want to do things by our schedule.
- Being INT and INF, we’re pretty strong in our sense of ourselves and our values which is the basis of any relationship.
- Her NTJ keeps me grounded and focused when the NFP side makes me flighty trying to do a too many projects at once.
- As a P, I don’t mind when she changes her mind later. I’ve managed to adapt.
Amanda Linehan
Dec 14, 2009
6:47 pm
Hi Corin – I love what you have to say at the beginning of this post. Basically, that other people are not responsible for your fulfillment. So, expecting someone to “make up for” things you lack or want is unrealistic, and so is expecting them to cater to your happiness. I’m glad you found your INTJ. Maybe as INFPs we have a tendency to idealize people and relationships (actually I know we do!), so this is a well needed message! Nice work.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
December 15th, 2009 at 1:43 am
As INFP, we hold so tightly to our individuality. We consider an affront if someone tries to change us.
On the other hand, some INFPs don’t ever learn to connect to others so they feel cut off and isolated. And in the back of their minds, they think that if they meet the one special person then they won’t feel lonely.
That feeling of isolation and loneliness comes from INFP behavior that needs has to change in order to connect to others. I’ve always found those to wants so diametrically opposed.
Do we want retain the individuality and behavior that makes us who we are, but also at times cuts us off? Or do we want to meet someone we can connect with but will have to change us in order for us for that connection to happen?
It can’t be both ways and I don’t think many INFPs understand that.
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Marky
Feb 26, 2010
5:52 pm
I love the last item, #10:
As a P, I don’t mind when she changes her mind later. I’ve managed to adapt.
Read: I wish my “S” didn’t freak every time I change MY mind.
I’ve been in a relationship with an ISTJ for 25 years and I still drive him nuts with my ever changing mind.
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