The Care and Feeding of INFPs, part 3
Our OCD comes from over-thinking
INFPs think too much. We’re information gatherers. The strength of our Perception score determines how far into overdrive our secondary cognitive function of External Intution (Ne) runs. INFPs with high Perception scores get stuck in the “what if”.
When we get stuck, the external doesn’t get processed by our Introverted Feeling (Fi) so we don’t move on. We lose touch with our Ideal and our Ideal Self. We start losing track of those things that we have built towards that ideal life we wanted. We start getting anxious that our tenuous grasp on our ideal life is slipping further away so we fall into OCD behavior.
For example, when I was in my early 20′s before I had a girlfriend and learned how to have balanced relationships, I would over-think situations meeting girls. Was this person a potential girlfriend and not just a friend? Was that an I-think-you’re-cool-smile or was that an I-wish-you-would-ask-me-out smile? What action I took depended on how I interpreted body language, word choice and all the minute details of my interactions. A brief phone call or a passing hello turned into hours of analysis later.
Ideally, I wanted girlfriend who loved and understood me. My over-thinking was causing that ideal to slip away. If she was the one, shouldn’t this entire process be natural and I shouldn’t be obsessing? The more I obsessed, the more un-ideal the situation was becoming. To lessen my anxiety, to stop thinking so much, I attempted to control my external environment by imposing order. I would be obsessive about washing dishes or putting books a certain way. A myriad of little quirks sprung out of nowhere all because I was over-thinking a relationship that didn’t even exist yet.
Obsessive compulsion is caused by anxiety. INFP develop that anxiety because when we get stuck in thoughts that we feel are moving us away from our Ideal. It’s much like being stuck in traffic when we have to be somewhere. Where we have to be is our Ideal. Being stuck in our heads is analyzing the traffic. Are the cars starting to move? Maybe we won’t be that late. Maybe we’ll give it just a couple of minutes. We look for more information instead of deciding we have enough information to move on.
If we had decided that we’re stuck, we could have made new plans, called and rescheduled. Instead INFPs hold onto this Ideal destination whether it’s the perfect person or the perfect job or the perfect life. We think we can still have that perfection if we can impose some order through repetition of sometimes quirky behavior.
OCD behavior is exhibited in many different ways among INFPs. Usually, the OCD behavior has minimal impact to our lives during our over-thinking phases. Eventually INFPs let go of whatever is taking so much energy. However, if that over-thinking phase persists too long, INFPs have a tendency to shut down.
The Signs:
1. Refusal of the new. INFPs love experiences especially new ones in areas we enjoy. If an INFP loves trying new restaurants and turns down the opportunity to do so then it’s a sign that the INFP is over-thinking. We turn down new experiences we love because our brain is too busy to enjoy the new experience. If we try something new when were in an over-thinking phase, we’ll miss out because we’re only partly present.
2. Control of environment. For me, it’s massive cleaning. For others, it could be organizing of the trivial. INFPs will try to compel order onto things of little consequence. The reason why we act upon things of little consequence is because we know that if we make a mistake, it won’t matter.
3. Withdrawal and isolation. INFPs ignoring important relationships is the biggest sign of trouble. INFPs do need alone time, but if we feel more tired after the alone time then our thoughts are too preoccupied to let us recharge.
The Solution:
The only way INFPs can break out of the over-thinking/OCD cycle is to make a decision. We need our Fi to kick in to determine if something feels right or wrong. You can’t make that decision for us but you can make it easier for a decision to be made.
1. Impose order for us. Do the laundry, wash the dishes, take over the trivial or better yet get them done when we’re not looking. If an INFP can’t get caught up in OCD busy-work, we’re forced back into our heads where we’ll have to confront our issues.
2. Bring perspective. You bring perspective by living your life not ours. I like hearing about how other people live and approach their life. People that are passionate about how they deal with problems and how they embrace successes, give me something solid that I can relate my life against. Seeing someone living their life in front of me creates a sharp contrast to living in my head that’s causing the disruptive OCD behavior.
3. Make us a better offer. Offer us a distraction. When the INFPs that I know are in over-thinking mode, I get them out. We do stuff like hiking, dancing, going to a bookstore to get them out of their head and into their bodies. Offering distractions isn’t difficult because we don’t want to be alone in our heads during these phases.
It’s only when INFPs over-think for extended periods that cause disruptive OCD behavior. Most of the time, our OCD comes across as mild quirks. Those quirks don’t go away. You’re just stuck with them so enjoy.
The Care and Feeding of INFPs
Part 1 – INFPs need alone time
Part 2 – Speaking INFP
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E.
Sep 2, 2010
3:28 pm
Yup. I agree whole-heartedly and relate. The one thing that my friends will immediately call out is the over-analyzing….
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Corin Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 12:56 am
Luckily. I’ve tend to keep the over-analyzing to myself so as not to drive my friends crazy.
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Stephanie
Sep 4, 2010
10:19 am
Hahaha, I enjoyed reading this. I’m currently in the overanalyzing mode of a relationship and just thoroughly cleaned my house from top to bottom. What did he mean by “Sure”? Is he being short with me for a reason? Is he driving? Does he really want to see me? This isn’t going to work. Ahhh…I often wish I was another type.
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Corin Reply:
September 9th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
It’s usually when I’m over-thinking my life that I get into trouble. Also, when I start new projects that I excite me where I get OCD and then calm down when I actually do start work on my project.
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Stephanie Reply:
September 13th, 2010 at 9:20 am
This is true, actually beginning the work (who knows if it will ever be finished) has a calming effect. However, wrt the over-thinking, I am learning to work with it. I DO over-think things, call it a flaw or what have you, but I’m learning to voice some of it. I’m not sure if as an INFP you’ve experienced the “Should I or shouldn’t I – send this message/call this person/ask for this/go there with them” feeling. I tended to try to avoid “bothering” people with myself…but now I’m working on getting over that. I condense my over-thinking into well written thoughts in emails or letters, and then make sure I give those to the people I care about rather than keep them to myself. It has helped me avoid being used, confront someone about an issue they need to address, and share my thoughts without becoming emotional. I do it quick (press send or give the letter) like pulling off a band-aid, and have found that rather than getting me into trouble, I’m respected for speaking up, and get rewarded with completely honest communication. It just helps open the door sometimes. I hate inauthenticity and shallow/meaningless friendships…if it takes a bit of my over-thinking to change the feel of a relationship OR close the door on it…I’d rather over-think! Just some VERY recent thoughts on the subject.
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Kerri
Sep 9, 2010
2:52 pm
I entirely relate. I am frequently stuck in my head. Very deeply. I gravitate towards isolating activities, such as research; history, archaeology, medical research – that sort of thing. When I eventually notice that I’m not living in balance, I begin to crave grounding activities like exercise or dancing. I am currently a stay at home mom, and it is hugely challenging. I can come up with an innovative ideas, or find fascinating connections between abstract concepts. But get my son off to school, or face the horrifically odious task of dinner preparation, and I am completely out of my element. I feel very unqualified for everyday life, and this is very frustrating.
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Corin Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 1:51 am
I still haven’t quite got the day-to-day down. Luckily I have systems in place for doing things. I have a system for cleaning, a system for cooking. So when I’m not at my best, I can just go into mental pilot and follow the systems I’ve worked out for myself.
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L. A.
Sep 25, 2010
2:06 pm
I completely identify with this. When I’m in over-thinking/over-analyzing mode, I can’t even enjoy my most cherished pass-time — imagining and writing — because I’m too busy analyzing the process and my intended outcome…
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Corin Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Sometimes I catch myself trying to over-think a situation. I usually go and do something else until I regain some perspective.
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L.A. Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Yes, I must usually get up and go for a walk, and to prevent my continuing to over-think the situation I’m contemplating, I must bring something to do to distract me…
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holly
Nov 4, 2010
7:56 am
Ah, this blog is a revelation. I just discovered it while doing a search about INFPs and depression, as I’m dealing with that right now, and this post perfectly identifies exactly why.
I’m dating the love of my life, and he’s wonderful, but he doesn’t understand everything and I always feel like he should be doing more and trying harder. (He’s not taken the test recently, but I think he’s an ISTJ.) Like you said, I want to control my external situation instead of not overthinking so much. You put into words exactly what I’ve been scared to say–the feeling that if this really is it, shouldn’t it come naturally and shouldn’t I not be obsessing. Even thinking that thought has sent me at times on a mental spiral of doom that ends with my having to break up with him because I can’t get over myself and then being heartbroken and lonely, but not only that, losing out on what looks like it could be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Anyway. Thanks for indulging my overthinking, and thanks for your voice. I’m subscribing to your blog.
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Aelthwyn
Nov 9, 2010
5:44 am
Another time I start obsessively organizing things is when I am procrastinating. When there is something that I ought to be doing, but I don’t feel like doing it or can’t work up the right mood and focus for it, I tend to distract/occupy myself in meaningless oganization of folders on my computer, or doing dishes. Not that those things aren’t good too, which is why it helps put off the nagging in my brain about doing the other thing, whatever it happens to be. It’s almost like trying to appease the ‘obligation gods’ with an offering other than the one requested – lol!
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Ashley
Dec 11, 2010
2:09 am
Absolutely relate to this 100%. I have learned that because of over-thinking, I can’t stay in the house all day. Especially for long periods of time alone. The other day I decided to stay home and relax for my day off. All of the walls ended up scrubbed and I had a headache and felt exhausted from thinking too much. I’ve been suspecting that this also may be why people perceive me as forgetful or flighty. When I misplace my phone and keys, It’s not that I don’t have a brain, its that I am so deeply preoccupied.
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Jessica
Dec 20, 2010
6:16 pm
hahahah this is great! I just found out i am an INFP today, this is EXACTLY what I do and its great to see theres people out there who think just like me.
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Prachee
Jan 9, 2011
10:37 am
Ha ha! This was really helpful! When I’m over-thinking, I do the most useless thing in the world: I play solitaire. Right now, there is a deadline for a research proposal hanging over my head, but I can’t get down to it because I’m scared it won’t turn out right. I love the project, but the feedback I’ll get after it’s submitted is what’s scaring me. So, I have been spending hours and hours playing solitaire!
I guess I should just jump right in and start writing without thinking about what the outcome will be. Thanks, Corin.
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Jennifer M.
Jan 31, 2011
2:18 pm
Hi – great post! (Stylish Thirties here – I just started a new blog so am using a new email. Lol.) I love what you said – “If she was the one, shouldn’t this entire process be natural and I shouldn’t be obsessing?” I’ve always figured my obsessing about whT a guy smiling at me means was because I’m female, but maybe it’s because I’m infp! Very interesting. I have, in my more logical moments, realized that if he really did like me, I wouldn’t have to analyze it to death – I’d just know. But those realizations are far and few between. Thank you for the reminder! It makes a lot of sense too that sometimes that fixation can actually cause the ideal to slip away. Definitely something I do a lot – great to be aware of that.
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Jennifer M.
Jan 31, 2011
2:22 pm
Oh and also that made a lot of sense when you said how we like to hear what your life is like, not how you think my life should be. I don’t know about you, but I get really defensive when someone starts telling me how to live my life. I feel like they’re not listening to me. If they talk about their life though, I will always compare it to what works in my life, and often that will bring the clarity that I’m seeking.
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Jenn G
Apr 22, 2011
5:38 pm
Thank you so much! I have been studying my dh’s personality (INFP) to try to understand what he is currently going through and this has helped immensely. My dh has been under a lot of stress due to illness and he obsesses over the strangest things. He has to do something a certain way or things have to be just right before he can relax, especially at bedtime. He spends a lot of time thinking about his health and everybody else’s health around him. He hasn’t always been this way, just now that he’s trying to come to terms with his physical problems.
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Oliver
May 5, 2011
10:29 am
Hahaha! Oh my gosh I can relate to this so well, this might explain my constant and debilitating indecisiveness about minute decisions in my day to day life. Even if I try to reason with myself and tell myself: “Wtf are you worrying about it’s probably nothing.” I still do it. XD
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Miss B.
May 31, 2011
6:10 pm
Hey, I’m having an ocd, overthinking time right now. I usually start writing lists, and planning instead of doing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve planned things while watching others just doing it. It’s great to know others feel the same. This blog is lovely. Thank you for your words!
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kathleen
Jul 7, 2011
9:05 am
I wonder if the minimalist lifestyle movement gets caught up in OCD obsessions – ie counting every item you own and listing it, trying to get it under a certain number… So much of minimalism is about keeping external commitments to a minimum so you can focus on what you love to do – classic INFP territory. But the counting compulsions so many minimalists have – (as do I)…. maybe this blog post explains it.
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SJ
Aug 4, 2011
4:49 am
Hi Corin, I’m glad that you wrote about OCD. I’m an INFP too. I was wondering if there was a connection.
I had an OCD when I was a young girl. I was ridiculed for it. I thought I was crazy. I never knew it was OCD but I would act very funny like covering my mouth all the time when I talk (so no germs would come in), smelling my hands after someone touches it and running to the nearest sink to wash it, soaking my hands and feet in a basin full of water the whole day to make sure they were clean. It was a big problem for mother, so she asked her friend’s help. Her friend told me that if I didn’t stop what I was doing, I would become a mermaid. I was so scared and stopped altogether. I resorted to repetitive and compulsive thinking and daydreaming. It’s like I needed an outlet for the OCD. To distract me, I would read. But the problem is that I would buy too many books even if I could not read them all. It became an obsession and a compulsion. Sometimes, I would just read short articles online. It might seem harmless, but then I would read too many and stay up all night and have little time left for sleep. It seems my head is telling me that I need to read as many as I can.
Now, I’m really trying to be just practical. A conscious effort to be practical so it would balance me out. It’s really hard.
Thanks, it’s a great article.
This is so true. “The reason why we act upon things of little consequence is because we know that if we make a mistake, it won’t matter.”
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James
Sep 6, 2011
4:41 am
Hi – well done on a very interesting and well written article
I’m an INFP (or maybe INFJ, not totally sure), I also suffer from OCD. I agree with a lot of what you said but in my experience OCD is not something I have any control over whatever way you try to frame it or think about it. I agree, it is about getting stuck and overanalysing but I simply have no control over it, as the anxiety it generates can be absolutely unbearable. I know I overthink, but I absolutely have to because of the intolerable anxiety caused by the OCD. Having said that, the distraction of writing this is helping! So, in the end I’m not totally sure what I’m trying to say. Maybe this is it – I do agree with your analysis and observations but I don’t think OCD is something that can be eradicated by rethinking it or by adapting your approach to life. I think it’s an illness that you have to learn to tolerate and live with. That’s the approach and the attitude that helps me most.
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Heather Reply:
September 21st, 2011 at 9:23 am
I also believe/d that OCD was not under my control. The book “Brain Lock” is very helpful for gaining a perspective, and gaining some control.
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Heather
Oct 12, 2011
8:38 am
I’ve been re-reading this post and just wanted to mention a book that a friend just recommended. Now, I haven’t read the book so it sounds silly that I am mentioning it, but wanted to see if you have read it, as it ties in well with this post. It’s called The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, by Barry Schwartz. Anyhow, it’s next on my list and it sounds like a good read for INFPs.
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Corin Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 8:45 am
That book has been on my list for a while. I think it coincides with Harvard professor Dan Gilbert’s happiness research. I wrote a post about happiness means limiting your ability to change your mind.
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Kristi
Dec 2, 2011
8:00 pm
Oh I am so happy to read this LOL. My Dr. just informed me she think I may have OCD and of course, I obsessively worried about having OCD. For me, I get stuck on “health issues”. I overanalyze the living **** out of a minor twitch or random bump…..and can’t move on. I am an INFP to the core and well, it’s nice to see I am not the only person with the problem of overanalyzing, repetitive thoughts…..
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