Comments on: Special is as special does

By: Maica

Maica — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 18:50:36 +0000

Wow – so happy I found this blog. I’m an INFP going through a bit of depression, single mom of 11 yr old boy and been alone for too many years now… Besides being an INFP, I’ve also been feeling like a real outsider in the world of ‘married’ couples at school. Thanks for all the great articles, I’ve been reading them. I needed the shot of ‘community’ and am feeling better all ready.
thanks for having the energy and drive to write this blog.
Namaste,
Maica

By: Nick

Nick — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 16:08:36 +0000

I would like to add my compliments to Corin for providing a great blog. You are putting ‘nicely’ things we really should be doing to survive in this world.

As regards specialness personally, I’ve never felt special. Thats why I’m always trying to find something to make me special. I feel that everyone else is special but I’m not. I don’t want to be an INFP I want to be something else more ‘male’. I want to achieve something special so that I can prove to people that I am somebody. In my school years I was special academically but not socially. To my father, people like ‘us’ (the worker ants) are never going to be ‘special’ or ‘great’ and there is some part of me that wants to prove that we can be special. I don’t want to be special I just want a shot at it to say it is possible – to prove the the limited thinkers wrong.
After years of searching a strong inner voice told me to be an actor. Me, I want to be a TV actor or Hollywood actor. Notice I didn’t put star. Money? I’m happy with a livable amount. I’d rather live in Winnipeg or Albany, than Beverly Hills. Fame, read the last sentence. I would like to be known so that I can be a figurehead to charitable causes I believe in.
The problem for us INFPs is that our values hold us back too much. You talk about Olympic athletes and entrepeuners. Hardly any of them are great because they were 100% ‘kosher’. There are very few athletes who haven’t taken performance-enhancing drugs, or business persons who haven’t done something illegal or morally-wrong to get where they are. I think as INFPs our achievements are the results of our honest work. WYSIWYG. I work in a restaurant and I worked my butt off to prove my worth, then we get a female who comes along who is not a team worker. Nobody wants to work with her. She starts sleeping with the married boss and suddenly gets what the rest of us have been working hard for, for years.
So if we can’t beat them, should we join them?

By: Nick

Nick — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:35:25 +0000

Yes I agree with this as a male INFP this is true. I survived until 30 years old with my mindset of not calling people names unless I meant it. Then at 30 I went to work in a ISTJ, ISTP arena where they insulted each other all the time. They started to call me gay and make fun of me and at first I took great offence. It was only after a while that I realised it was gentle ribbing. I still find it hard to accept, in case I step over that line you never cross. But in situations since I have found it easier to step in with this concept. Though at the end of the day I still find it easier to hang out with male F’s because you can invite them for a beer or a Starbucks and a chat and they have no connatation that it is related to being a ‘homosexual’ thing to do. These people I find secure in their sexuality unlike the male ST breathen who tend to be more insecure. Just my opinion.

By: Corin

Corin — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 20:52:31 +0000

There’s a TED talk by Brené Brown called the Price Of Invulnerability that has me rethinking my views about relationships. In it she talks about how we try to protect ourselves from hurt and how it stems from scarcity and “not enough” thinking. She talks about how we don’t think we’re extraordinary enough and how we’ve come to equate an “ordinary” life with a meaningless life which isn’t true.

If you get the chance, I recommend watching it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c

By: Rania

Rania — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 20:32:44 +0000

Yes, you’re right – I jumped to conclusions after all, since browsing through your blog, I saw later on that you used the term ‘unique’ at a different post.

Yes, we are special! lol!

I guess if I want to be honest, especially when I was younger (I turned 40 last year too), I had an issue with being ‘ordinary’. Kinda like that girl in American Beauty played by Mena Suvari that at 17 she really thinks she has earned the ‘extraordinary’ title, only to be told later on by her friend that she is absolutely ordinary…

I really do enjoy your blog – only came across it yesterday after trying to get back in touch with my INFP side which I renounced for a year or so, thinking that I was just ordinary (ok, guilty) and I really want to thank you for bringing me back in touch with all the small things and the special characteristics that makes us really unique as MBTI that at the end are neither good or bad, they just are. It’s who we are.

By: Corin

Corin — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 18:14:17 +0000

I wanted to talk specifically about being special vs. being unique. The difference is that being special external recognition. Everyone is unique. You don’t actually have to do anything to be unique. It’s self-recognized.

However, I find that many INFPs want others to think that they have qualities that are above the norm, i.e. “special”. In order to get that external recognition, you have to do something externally to be recognized. They just can’t be unique and want to recognized externally for it.

By: Rania

Rania — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 11:19:06 +0000

Hi there,
There’s a more appropriate word I think that different, that I learned in CODA and that is the word ‘unique’ (unfortunately it applies not just to us INFPs but to every single human being on the planet!). It sounds better that just different I think. Although I have been feeling ‘special’ for quite a few years now (lol!), somehow I made the association that special has a bad connotation, so it was easier to stop using it.

By: Jen

Jen — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:57:31 +0000

As an INFP, I can’t tell you how much I can relate to all of your posts and especially to this one. Just like Manar’s comment, I also thought of the weather thing too…I always thought that other people were so superficial, especially when I was a teen. I really felt different and special. I kind of got over it when I was in college because I met more interesting people with whom I connected more.
But now I’m 29 and I feel like I’m falling back into this pitfall all over again. I’m unemployed by my own fault. I quit my job in sales last year (yeah I know how can an INFP go into sales !!!) Actually I wanted to work in marketing like brand/product manager but I never found a job in that field because there are way too many candidates and way too few job offers. So anyway I won’t go into detail here but I had to fall back on sales and I did it for 3 years !! I got so exhausted doing something I hated that I quit and now I’ve been struggling for over a year to find a more fulfilling job that would be compatible with my “specialness” . After 2 jobs that didn’t work out because I was fired more or less because of a lack of competence and experience, I lost all my self-esteem. I have come to the conclusion that I’m so different that I’m can’t work in a “company” because I don’t have the “business” qualities that companies require such as : very dynamic, results oriented, entrepreneurial spirit , proactive bla bla bla. So I’ve come to think that I should do something more human and that has real meaning to me, maybe like teaching, but that means going back to college for a few years and I can’t afford it. I feel like I’m totally stuck and that at some point I will have to take up any job even if I hate it just to sustain myself. And that really hurts my “specialness” because I feel it would be so beneath me.
You are so right about the fact that we want to BE special but we never do anything to prove it and that’s why we don’t feel recognized. I feel like I have achieved nothing in my life and yet I keep whining about people not understanding me and not seeing that I’m special. What I should be doing is taking action but I don’t have a clue as to what that action might be. On a lighter note, I must say, thankfully my partner makes me FEEL special even though as an INTJ he really really doesn’t get me…lol

By: manar

manar — Tue, 25 May 2010 21:09:20 +0000

Quoting Myers-Briggs stats.
I wasted so much time trying to convince people that different meant special. I became very subtle at telling people I was special. I was vocal about disliking the popular. I derided the mundane. I mean, if I didn’t like what everyone else liked then that must make me special.
I disliked small talk. Everyone talks about the weather.
Slipping specialized knowledge into conversations.
I embraced my differences as a badge to prove that I was special. Other people didn’t think like me so I must be special. I thought I had higher standards than other people so I must be special. I thought I had some deeper understanding of the universe that no one else could see so I must be special. I convinced myself that I so special that only other special people would be able to recognize my specialness.
I started an exclusive club called “my good friends” and we didn’t talk about the weather.
Actually this is what I’m doing right now, I thought that the weather thing is my theory , I didn’t know that someone else had thought about it before . this post is really helpful . now I know what it would be if I continued what I’m doing right now and I know what to do at this moment . A very very very very very Big thank you

By: ockhamdesign

ockhamdesign — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 23:19:57 +0000

Thank you for reading.

I’ve been very lucky in that I found my wife fairly early at 26. I get to feel special by making her feel special by doing things that let her know that she’s the one. I thought that having that one person in my life should be enough and that I’d be magically fulfilled. But that feeling of wanting to be accepted, wanting to be liked doesn’t go away. My theory is that this is the cause for failed INFP relationships. INFPs think that since this one other person hasn’t filled our emotional needs than he/she wasn’t really the one. Making one person responsible for filling that void is tough on a relationship and not to mention, it’s a crappy thing to do to another human being.

Luckily, I didn’t blame her and finally accepted it was me and that it was okay to be this way. I’ve been experimenting ever since to figure out what to do about it. This blog is an experiment in another long line of experiments. Thanks for coming along for the ride.