The Care and Feeding of INFPs, part 1
Give your INFP some alone time
INFPs need time to reset. We have this mental/emotional bookshelf where a book is an emotion or mindset. The acts of everyday living—going to work, interacting with people, striving towards goals, maintaining our lives—requires pulling a book off the bookshelf to access what we need to live in the day-to-day.
As we use those books, they pile up and as more things happen day after day, going through the piles to find the books we need takes longer and longer. Eventually, we have to take some alone time and put those books in our mental piles back onto the bookshelf. That’s what I mean by resetting.
Alone time doesn’t actually mean being hidden away from everybody. It means being away from those that requires us to pull stuff off the shelf which is usually people we care about. INFPs are being perfectly capable of being alone with people around, just not with people we know.
Symptoms:
1. Lack of focus. INFPs are somewhat distracted anyway, but when we need time to reset, we can’t seem to concentrate on anything for any given length of time.
2. Irritability. We get short-tempered because when we don’t reset, everything becomes just another problem that needs a book from our shelf in order for us to solve it. And we can’t find that book because it’s in a pile somewhere.
3. Lack of communication. When we start answering emotionally complicated questions with single syllables, it’s time to leave us alone.
Treatment:
Basically, you need to create an environment where your INFP is only responsible for themselves. A loved one in the picture doesn’t work because if you’re around and the INFP cares for you then they’ll start thinking about how you’re feeling and how you’ll be reacting to their need to reset.
My wife is an INTJ and their reasons for alone time and symptoms are different than INFPs, but the treatment is the same. Usually, I take the kids to visit my parents for the entire day (6 or more hours). Or I send her out to the bookstore, coffee shop, shopping, etc. With kids, the INFP can’t be in the same proximity. It doesn’t work because with kids that close, you’re always a parent.
If you don’t have kids, go do something fun so your INFP doesn’t have to worry about you. Try to avoid doing anything that involves repeated vomiting which would require the INFP to hold your head at some later time. Also, avoid anything that requires the INFP to bail you out of jail. Just a tip.
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Amanda Linehan
Dec 23, 2009
12:33 pm
Hi Corin – I like the metaphor of the bookshelf you’ve used here. The image of “mental clutter” really speaks to me. Being alone to reset and recharge is something I need to do often. Also, during these times, I need to be able to “move” freely, that is, no schedules or clocks, just meandering along at my own pace to my own drummer.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I understand what you mean by “move freely”. It’s during my reset times that I get leftover stuff done. But this happens at my own pace and in whichever order I feel like it.
It’s the process of just doing things as I want them done without outside pressures crowding into my head that helps me reset.
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Reem
Dec 25, 2009
5:47 am
Hi! Corin,
Interesting thoughts… as always
I could relate to the “symptoms” … I would personally add to the list general aloofness, boredom and slight anxiety…
Reading your blog has inspired me to start my own blog, I realized in the last comment I wrote here (which was too long) that I should give this a try… I still can’t get myself to get started with “writing” but I’ll get to it eventually…
http://zkairos.wordpress.com/
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Chris B
Jan 26, 2010
5:21 pm
“INFPs are being perfectly capable of being alone with people around, just not with people we know.”
Wow, now I know how to explain to my husband that the way I decompress best is to go sit in a bookstore cafe and read magazines. And why I hate sharing my cafe time WITH anyone. He has never understood how my “alone and quiet” time can happen in such a busy, noisy place and I never had a way to explain it before.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
We don’t have any active relationships in a busy place among strangers. With people we know, that relationship is there and as INFPs immediately go into Extraverted Feeling mode which is completely opposite from our natural state of Introverted Feeling.
I’ll have to explain Cognitive Functions later in a post, but INFPs natural state is Introverted Feeling (Valuing and considering importance, beliefs, and worth ) which is energizing, but around people we have a relationship with, we go into the opposite mode Extroverted Feeling (Connecting and considering others and the group) which is draining.
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Jeanine Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:35 pm
It damn sure is draining!
Sheesh, that explains why it wears me out so. I never understood that switching into extroversion thing you just described, but now I see why they can’t even be around. Anywhere near. LOL!
Jeanine
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Sue London
Jan 26, 2010
7:27 pm
My first reaction when you mentioned Extraverted Feeling (Fe) was to say to myself, “I never go into Fe mode, I use Extraverted Thinking (Te) mode” then I saw the part “but around people we have a relationship with…” and a light bulb went off.
An interesting anecdote that may be related, I tried to follow the advice I gleaned from the books “First Break All the Rules” and “Five Dysfunctions of a Team” that essentially said connecting with people at work is important. For me it was a horrible, horrible idea – one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. I need to keep “office” relationships in the Ne/Te realm – a safe distance away from my feelings. Oddly, people at work also perceived me as warmer/more fun BEFORE my emotions became engaged. Have you had any issues like this?
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
I handle work a little differently since my day job isn’t one of my Pillars (those are the areas in your life that hold up your identity – I haven’t written about those yet).
So since my Identity isn’t closely tied to my Role as programmer, I find it easy to take on behaviors that help in that Role. So basically, I behave like an INTJ. I pre-plan. I figure out what the “real” problem I’m trying to solve is, not the stated problem. I schedule tasks. I can only do it in bursts though.
I think it would be different if my job played a bigger role on how I defined myself. Take the New Personality Self-Portrait. If you’re high on the Conscientious, it usually means work is a Pillar.
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Vexing
May 14, 2010
5:00 pm
I read this a few weeks ago, and I just read it again. I think I’m getting a better understanding of when and why my girlfriend decides to recharge. As a result, I’ve been gradually changing my behavior. I try not to “intrude” on her as much as I used to. For example, sometimes for some reason, she’d end up staring off into space or leaving the group she was in for no explanation, and I’d rile her up unwittingly by following her or making a call or a text. What ended up happening is that my call wouldn’t get picked up or I’d just get a single word text message back.
Now, I’m more likely to go “Hmm…I think I’ll hang out with S. for the next few hours.” I still have a ways to go, however. It’s not like I always know when she’s going to do that, and so I inadvertently mess up.
But that’s okay. It helps me learn. It helps her learn too, because having me in her life means that she’s getting a different understanding about how her behavior affects those around her. Now, knowing this and believing in it are different from how I feel about it. I still feel bad when I make a mistake, though I’m trying to get over that.
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Prachee
Aug 12, 2010
12:10 pm
So true. And I love the metaphor of the bookshelf.
This comment may sound like I’m taking your metaphor too far, but I was wondering, do extroverts have mental bookshelves too? If they do, I must say they either know their books by heart, or they are very organized, and each time they use a book, they put it right back from where it came. Or else, they have no problem with having their books lying around in piles. And we introverts have bad memories and just let our books lie around till we get confused (at least that must be true for all introvert Ps).
In another post, you had written that how we do one thing is how we do everything. Looking around at my room, I can say that the way I use my mental bookshelf is exactly how I use my real bookshelves. I have a bad memory, so I have to pull out books all the time, and I hardly ever put them back, and one day I get so confused with all the mess that I have to take time off all household work to rearrange my bookshelves. I know I’m taking your metaphor too literally, but I couldn’t help but notice the striking similarity
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Corin Reply:
August 12th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
It works the opposite for ENFPs. I have a good friend who’s an ENFP and when he’s alone, his head is just going a mile a minute. The external world around has an infinite possibilities and his head is imagining different combinations to see which one would be best. For him, being alone is like shopping at a bookstore with unlimited funds and he’s just pulling interesting books off the shelf. The shopping cart is getting heavier and heavier and he’s getting more tired.
Then when he’s finally out with someone. As he’s interacting, his brain is going, well I don’t really need this book, and this book was interesting at the time, but now that I’m actually here, I don’t really need this one either. So as he’s being social, he’s getting rid of books from his shopping cart. He’s lightening his mental load.
Now that’s how I’ve imagined it after talking with him about it. And that’s probably only applies to ENFPs. I would think for other extroverts the experience would be differently.
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ivorynightgown
Aug 13, 2010
3:55 pm
Corin
I totally agree d part u said “being parents, INFP cant be ur priority anymore n with kids this close, u’re alwiz a parent”
This is exactly what im goin thru, ever since giving birth to my son (now nearly 2 years), i hardly get my alone time EXCEPT when he is asleep but that too i have to sacrifice with doing unfinished house chores. My ENTJ husband is not really handy with kids OR the house chores so everything is always on me. I get very little help, let alone a ‘me’ time…..Ive to admit, i become all stress up almost everyday dealing with a toddler n not being able to reset…Before married, i get to reset by going to shopping malls n do window shopping (u r totally right when u say INFPs can be alone even in a busy & noisy environment as long as ppl around us r ppl we dont know). Shopping malls is usually where i hang out when i was a teen, i spend hours n hours there n rarely buy anything. But now, im deprived of all those reset time. I do wish that my husband is more handy with kids so that we can take turn to babysit…unfortunately…he’s not……
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Corin Reply:
August 13th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I need very little sleep so I get most of my alone time at night after the kids go to bed. I get up, go to work, go home spend time with my kids, spend time with my wife. But by 10pm, everyone is asleep. After 10pm, my time is mine.
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ivorynightgown Reply:
August 14th, 2010 at 12:13 am
thats exactly what came to my mind when i was thinking of the solution today i.e reduce my sleep time, find alone time at night. But thats not easy either, handling a very active toddler during day time i need enough energy. FYI Corin,i used to work n my condition was better back then coz i manage to get my alone time at office,so i was stabil when ppl surround me at home.Now that im a housewife,there is no place i can resort to anymore,i have to face active-relationship 7am-11pm throughout the week. Oh im so sorry for letting this all out here,this is my first time opening up about this..
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GunsAndRoses Reply:
August 16th, 2010 at 7:02 am
I can totally relate to this. I need a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. After having kids it’s a lot more difficult to find that time. Also, when there is opportunity, like after 10 pm, I would find myself too tired or unfocused to be able to use the alone time for something productive (I’d usually end up in front of the TV).
You could find some comfort in the fact that it gets better with time though. It takes a lot of energy to take care of a < 2 year old (as you know).
Don't get me wrong anyone, I love to spend time with my kids. It's just that the quality is a lot better the more energy you have.
Jennifer M Reply:
November 10th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
I can definitely relate to this too – even if I get home very late and have to work the next day, I always take time to watch a tv show or read some blogs – it’s just my “me” time that I need to recharge. If I go straight to bed I usually wake up cranky b/c I haven’t had any time to recharge emotionally.
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Priya Florence Shah
Sep 10, 2010
3:14 pm
Wow, this is amazing. Just sent it to me ISTJ hubby. I almost burned out trying to keep up with his stuff.
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Kelly
Jan 28, 2011
1:09 pm
i totally agree. i’m a teenaged infp and there are many times when i feel the complete urge to shut down and reboot my system. i also feel that when i do this, people i’m close to can’t be around me. since i’m usually never alone in the house, i jump close my eyes and take a nap. when the telephone rings waking me up, i get very very aggitated.
i think i don’t want those close to me around when i reset because sometimes, i bawl out crying for no exact reason. i take in emotional stress daily and i never noticed until this Monday past how important it is for me to reset. towards the ending of a class, i had a breakdown. the class was watching a movie and somethin really disturbed me. before i got to class my brain was already loaded and the room was very hot. i felt naseous and couldn’t breathe so i went outside for some fresh air. when i leaned against the wall by the door, tears started coming out by themselves and i sat down and cried until class was over. whatever disturbed me in the movie must have reactivated the emotional stress i didn’t have time to dump.
i’m getting off topic. anyway, thank you for posting this. i’m actually reseting myself right now while i’m typing. i’m supposed to be doing homework but….i’ll get to finishing it eventually.
i love the blog by the way.
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A
Apr 29, 2011
8:02 am
I just printed this out and have left it in a place where my ESFJ husband can read it, I shall also be subtly pointing it out to him in the morning.
I work in a retail environment which means I’m required to interact with people all day long, as well as complete tasks to a deadline, as if that wasn’t draining enough!
He doesn’t understand and often accuses me of not listening to him when I’m trying to have my ‘alone time’ I don’t mean to snap at him but sometimes it’s the only way I can get the point across. He thinks I don’t care about his feelings or his day but that’s not true! I just need time to process my own day in my own time without interruption.
This is very informative, thank you!
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K
May 13, 2011
10:27 am
Your writing is awesome. I just love your blog!
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Alexis
May 20, 2011
10:58 pm
Awesome! Makes me feel so good I’m not alone!
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Leah
Oct 23, 2011
10:24 pm
Do you think this applies to couples…i.e. INFP’s and their boyfriend/girfriend/spouse needing time together to recharge and process their relationship one on one? I am dating someone right now in college and am an INFP. I find that I get completely stressed out when I want to spend time with him and he brings friends along to hang out with us. I can’t talk about our relationship or anything deep at all. I kind of shut down in big groups, especially if we had something that we needed to talk about. Have you found that alone time with a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend also important for INFP’s?
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Corin Reply:
October 23rd, 2011 at 10:45 pm
There’s a difference between couple time and alone time. All couples need couple time, time together to learn about each other, to build their relationship and just to see if you can stand being together. I don’t think the amount of couple time is related to MBTI type though. There’s another book called The 5 Love Languages that defines 5 ways that people feel loved. And the idea is that we assume incorrectly that the way we feel loved is the way we should express love. The answer is to express love in a way that the person receiving that love will understand so you have to speak their language and they have to speak yours.
One of the five love languages is quality time. I’ve talked to various introverts from friends, family and acquaintances and I’ve never seen correlation between MBTI type and love language. It really has to do more with how we were raised by our parents.
Quality Time is #2 for me. It’s #3 for my wife who’s an INTJ. Because of that, we spend almost every night talking for at least 40 minutes. We’ve also been married 15 years and this communication is one of the reasons why we’ve lasted.
However, alone time is different. Alone time is time by yourself to recharge. My wife needs alone time but as an INTJ, she needs it for completely different reasons than I do. She gets her alone time when the kids are at school each day. Every few weeks, I take the kids down to my parents for the day so she can have the entire day to herself. I get my alone time from 9p-12a after the kids are put to bed. I write, clean and do personal development work.
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