The Care and Feeding of INFPs, part 1
Give your INFP some alone time
INFPs need time to reset. We have this mental/emotional bookshelf where a book is an emotion or mindset. The acts of everyday living—going to work, interacting with people, striving towards goals, maintaining our lives—requires pulling a book off the bookshelf to access what we need to live in the day-to-day.
As we use those books, they pile up and as more things happen day after day, going through the piles to find the books we need takes longer and longer. Eventually, we have to take some alone time and put those books in our mental piles back onto the bookshelf. That’s what I mean by resetting.
Alone time doesn’t actually mean being hidden away from everybody. It means being away from those that requires us to pull stuff off the shelf which is usually people we care about. INFPs are being perfectly capable of being alone with people around, just not with people we know.
Symptoms:
1. Lack of focus. INFPs are somewhat distracted anyway, but when we need time to reset, we can’t seem to concentrate on anything for any given length of time.
2. Irritability. We get short-tempered because when we don’t reset, everything becomes just another problem that needs a book from our shelf in order for us to solve it. And we can’t find that book because it’s in a pile somewhere.
3. Lack of communication. When we start answering emotionally complicated questions with single syllables, it’s time to leave us alone.
Treatment:
Basically, you need to create an environment where your INFP is only responsible for themselves. A loved one in the picture doesn’t work because if you’re around and the INFP cares for you then they’ll start thinking about how you’re feeling and how you’ll be reacting to their need to reset.
My wife is an INTJ and their reasons for alone time and symptoms are different than INFPs, but the treatment is the same. Usually, I take the kids to visit my parents for the entire day (6 or more hours). Or I send her out to the bookstore, coffee shop, shopping, etc. With kids, the INFP can’t be in the same proximity. It doesn’t work because with kids that close, you’re always a parent.
If you don’t have kids, go do something fun so your INFP doesn’t have to worry about you. Try to avoid doing anything that involves repeated vomiting which would require the INFP to hold your head at some later time. Also, avoid anything that requires the INFP to bail you out of jail. Just a tip.
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Amanda Linehan
Dec 23, 2009
12:33 pm
Hi Corin – I like the metaphor of the bookshelf you’ve used here. The image of “mental clutter” really speaks to me. Being alone to reset and recharge is something I need to do often. Also, during these times, I need to be able to “move” freely, that is, no schedules or clocks, just meandering along at my own pace to my own drummer.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I understand what you mean by “move freely”. It’s during my reset times that I get leftover stuff done. But this happens at my own pace and in whichever order I feel like it.
It’s the process of just doing things as I want them done without outside pressures crowding into my head that helps me reset.
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Reem
Dec 25, 2009
5:47 am
Hi! Corin,
Interesting thoughts… as always
I could relate to the “symptoms” … I would personally add to the list general aloofness, boredom and slight anxiety…
Reading your blog has inspired me to start my own blog, I realized in the last comment I wrote here (which was too long) that I should give this a try… I still can’t get myself to get started with “writing” but I’ll get to it eventually…
http://zkairos.wordpress.com/
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Chris B
Jan 26, 2010
5:21 pm
“INFPs are being perfectly capable of being alone with people around, just not with people we know.”
Wow, now I know how to explain to my husband that the way I decompress best is to go sit in a bookstore cafe and read magazines. And why I hate sharing my cafe time WITH anyone. He has never understood how my “alone and quiet” time can happen in such a busy, noisy place and I never had a way to explain it before.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
We don’t have any active relationships in a busy place among strangers. With people we know, that relationship is there and as INFPs immediately go into Extraverted Feeling mode which is completely opposite from our natural state of Introverted Feeling.
I’ll have to explain Cognitive Functions later in a post, but INFPs natural state is Introverted Feeling (Valuing and considering importance, beliefs, and worth ) which is energizing, but around people we have a relationship with, we go into the opposite mode Extroverted Feeling (Connecting and considering others and the group) which is draining.
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Jeanine Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:35 pm
It damn sure is draining!
Sheesh, that explains why it wears me out so. I never understood that switching into extroversion thing you just described, but now I see why they can’t even be around. Anywhere near. LOL!
Jeanine
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Sue London
Jan 26, 2010
7:27 pm
My first reaction when you mentioned Extraverted Feeling (Fe) was to say to myself, “I never go into Fe mode, I use Extraverted Thinking (Te) mode” then I saw the part “but around people we have a relationship with…” and a light bulb went off.
An interesting anecdote that may be related, I tried to follow the advice I gleaned from the books “First Break All the Rules” and “Five Dysfunctions of a Team” that essentially said connecting with people at work is important. For me it was a horrible, horrible idea – one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. I need to keep “office” relationships in the Ne/Te realm – a safe distance away from my feelings. Oddly, people at work also perceived me as warmer/more fun BEFORE my emotions became engaged. Have you had any issues like this?
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
I handle work a little differently since my day job isn’t one of my Pillars (those are the areas in your life that hold up your identity – I haven’t written about those yet).
So since my Identity isn’t closely tied to my Role as programmer, I find it easy to take on behaviors that help in that Role. So basically, I behave like an INTJ. I pre-plan. I figure out what the “real” problem I’m trying to solve is, not the stated problem. I schedule tasks. I can only do it in bursts though.
I think it would be different if my job played a bigger role on how I defined myself. Take the New Personality Self-Portrait. If you’re high on the Conscientious, it usually means work is a Pillar.
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Time for change « infp Blog
Feb 17, 2010
10:27 pm
[...] just been busy.” They mistake it for recharging and I let them. I’m not recharging, I’m rebuilding and some of them might end up with smaller roles in my life when I’m [...]
Vexing
May 14, 2010
5:00 pm
I read this a few weeks ago, and I just read it again. I think I’m getting a better understanding of when and why my girlfriend decides to recharge. As a result, I’ve been gradually changing my behavior. I try not to “intrude” on her as much as I used to. For example, sometimes for some reason, she’d end up staring off into space or leaving the group she was in for no explanation, and I’d rile her up unwittingly by following her or making a call or a text. What ended up happening is that my call wouldn’t get picked up or I’d just get a single word text message back.
Now, I’m more likely to go “Hmm…I think I’ll hang out with S. for the next few hours.” I still have a ways to go, however. It’s not like I always know when she’s going to do that, and so I inadvertently mess up.
But that’s okay. It helps me learn. It helps her learn too, because having me in her life means that she’s getting a different understanding about how her behavior affects those around her. Now, knowing this and believing in it are different from how I feel about it. I still feel bad when I make a mistake, though I’m trying to get over that.
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