Comments on: Myth of the soulmate

By: Andy

Andy — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:27:01 +0000

Soulmates – I personally believe they exist. Do I believe there is only one match per person… No. Do I feel that attraction is part of it, it has to be, but define attraction. An individual can be physically gorgeous and be completely unattractive… and I am quite sure it can work the other way too (as for the homeless man who smells of pee? well I sadly must admit I am a bit shallower than that… sigh) I do understand the concept of this blogpost though. There truely is something to be said for some-one who picks up after themselves and contributes more to the relationship than ‘getting’ you and good sex. First off I have found that we must first ‘get’ and like ourselves or we will forever be searching for some-one to make us complete. Two halves do not make a whole – they make two halves that are desperatley trying to be whole while co-existing with one another and blaming one another for their perpetual state of unhappiness. Also resentment is a very ugly emotion that builds easily when the said ‘soulmate’ doesn’t contribute – pick up after themselves, do chores, work!!! etc…

I long for “fireworks”, for the “perfect” match, for the “soulmate” – MY soulmate… but a good friend who is there, who will listen even when they don’t get me – well there’s something kinda nice about that thought… I may not be able to change the fact that I am an INFP (and I don’t want to) but I can adjust the way I choose to see things. My personally type is not a law book of how I am to behave but rather a guide to help me understand why I behave the way I do so I can change the things I don’t like or am unsure of.

I also think there is something to be said for reality. Being a dreamer sucks if all it ever is, is a dream. I want to touch it, feel it, make it real. Anyways I may have gotten a bit off topic there…

Back to soulmates a good friend told me her theory on love: Immature love wants you because it needs you. Mature love needs you because it wants you. Thats what I am looking for. Being NEEDED is like an anchor around your neck, it drags you down and drowns you. I just want to be wanted, for who I am and nothing more.

By: Kendra

Kendra — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:15:14 +0000

Aaaah! I have this picture in my bedroom! I love it! As for your insightful view on the “soulmate”… well done. You have an interesting way of putting things into perspective! I agree that the thought of one person that you are destined to be with is ridiculous. Thankfully I have been with someone for a long time that understands my quirks and loves them! He is completely the opposite of me and appreciates how I “lead with my heart” while he mulls everything over and analyzes everything. I appreciate that he also picks up his dirty socks and does laundry. We complement eachother well.

By: Melinda

Melinda — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:00:22 +0000

@Karen – I heart you – as you speak the words of my soul.. Stand up for the INFP that DOES believe and hold true to who they are….and being understood IS what its all about……INFPs have a mission in this life to be understood so others can learn….

By: PSkalla

PSkalla — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:28:24 +0000

I will give you a piece of advice about switching back down into friends gear from having a sexual (or semi so in my case). It’s very hard, and will test the limits of the friendship to the extreme. In my particular case, when I’d met the young lady she was actually engaged. I had told her that I realized that she was engaged, but was interested in a friendship. So for around 3 years and 4 boyfriends we wrote to each other. One of those little quirky things we did. Eventually we dated, and due to bad timing and some outside interferences we broke up. She ended up marrying a mutual friend. For me it was tough to switch back down to being friends after being in such an emotionally charged relationship. For many years (well, until another moderately traumatic relationship) I just buried the emotions. Not until I got married to my ex did I fully reconcile. Once I was married, it was much easier to relate to this friend of mine as something other than a love interest.

Oddly enough, she ended up getting divorced recently herself…We almost hooked up again, but realized the fire just wasn’t there and it was okay.

The problem that I usually have is difficulty meeting people in the first place, and then acting like a lost pup when I get any attention. I’ll idealize them to the point that I get internally jealous and a little crazy. I’m learning to temper that with patients.

By: Dmd

Dmd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 03:01:38 +0000

Wow. I completely agree. I still hope my current relationship works out, but that is absolutely what it feels like. I have best friend soulmates and it’s an amazing mutual expereince. In fact, my boyfriend was one of those to me. We had no physcial attraction until one day (literally a single day) both of us just wanted each other. That brought on a whole different level that we hadn’t felt before. But, he is incredibly logical and rational to the point that I feel like my emotions don’t count as much as I think they should. Now, things are seeming like they should downshift back into friendship but I’m not ready to let go of the other connections we have. To answer you’re wondering, I’m an INFP who feels like I’m doing a similar thing – clinging onto what I know his ideal could be.
The physical ideals are either there or they’re not in my opinion. Like I said, someone can be your soulmate on one level and then if you’re attracted to them as well, that can change it to something different. I am having a hard time though, because I think that having a sexual connection with someone who also has the potential to understand you is so wonderful, and I don’t know what it would be like to let it go.

By: Frd

Frd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:51:10 +0000

That must be difficult. I think all relationships go through a lot of phases especially once you’ve been together for a while and feel like you can take each other for granted. I think this same thing can happen with people who’s types match up perfectly. It’s hard to be all things to somebody, and it probably shouldn’t work that way. If it makes you feel any better about that particular predicament, I don’t know if there’s a way out of it. If you’re an I with an E, it’s going to feel like that sometimes. But, even I and I relationships feel like that because one person will end up saying that they wish the other made them go out in groups more. Opposites attract more often than not (and that’s what the Socionics relationship suggestions thing is sort of based on) but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Every relationship is hard.

By: Frd

Frd — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:42:41 +0000

I felt like I was reading something I would write! I think I have several soulmates already and yes the odds are low of anyone ever finding that but it is possible and it is so worth living for! As INFPs, our whole lives are defined by our emotions in a way and we are so capable of feeling things deeply and strongly. The opportunity to feel love and genuine connection for us is probably one of the strongest things that happens to anyone in the world.

By: INFP

INFP — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:38:46 +0000

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I hope that the author of this article didn’t truly think that inviting somebody who prides themselves on cleanliness into their home and marrying them is a good idea. Hopefully all these other INFPs don’t have friends that they hate or think are disgusting. How else would you start to get to know someone than by being friends first? I don’t feel like that’s such a stretch. Being in love is not the end-all-be-all of existence, but it is real. It can be incredibly real and incredibly important.

By: INFP

INFP — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:32:57 +0000

Congratulations! That’s really special and I’m glad you’re cherishing it.

Do you know what type she is (just curious)

By: INFP

INFP — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:27:56 +0000

I know exactly what you mean. And as healthy as it is to remind yourself that there may not be “the one,” I find it hard to lower standards to a point where you feel like you’re living inside of yourself and pretending like you’re living with someone else. It is much easier if you’ve never had anyone get you. Then, you just think that’s how life should be. You love people, they try to love you back but you don’t think anyone’s ever going to understand you the way you know yourself.

Finding someone that does “get” you can potentially ruin your life. Because then it’s not some fantasy that you were fed by the world about finding a soul mate. It’s a real feeling. A real connection.

I’m not saying that there is only one person ever who you can feel that with – but I am saying that it takes accepting that you’ll be alone for a while (maybe forever) if you want to feel that connection with someone again.

It’s as dangerous and risky thing, but what else is life about? Connect with people as deeply as you possibly can, and I’ve got to keep believing that there are more people out there that will find me to not be a sweet person who lives in my head, but will be capable of actually getting to know all the undefinable parts of me.