Have you ever notice that for INFPs, a description of soulmate is like a shopping list that takes 15 minutes to describe when they’re 20 and single, and still takes 15 minutes when they’re 40 and single?
INFPs everywhere are protesting that we aren’t that shallow. I can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that my soulmate is just someone who “gets” me.
My response is this: do you have to be physically attracted to your soulmate for them to be your soulmate?
What if he’s bald and noticeably shorter than you? What if she has bad teeth and a laugh that scares off harpies? Can they be your soulmate if they have horrendous hygiene and you find them disgusting?
Have you even looked? Perhaps that urine smelling homeless man that’s old enough to be your father that you pass every day on the way to work is the one person in the whole world who understands you and will accept you completely. You’re never going to find out by giving him the occasional dollar bill as you walk by.
INFPs seem offended by the notion that there’s a minimum attractiveness quotient before someone can really understand why some days we’re on the verge of tears for no apparent reason.
Here’s some bad news for you. If you believe there’s only one soulmate, that one person who’s just perfect for you, given that there’s 6 billion people, is statistically in a different country and most likely married or dead depending on the age. That’s a depressing thought so INFPs with Soulmate Syndrome have an additional condition called Destiny Delerium, the belief that the universe will make sure that their paths will cross.
Did you meet your one true love already and didn’t recognize that person as your true love? Maybe, you thought someone was your one true love until the really nasty divorce and now you’re realizing that your soulmate is someone who gets you and someone who doesn’t play World of Warcraft all day and picks up after themselves every once in a while.
Maybe, you won’t meet your one true love until your 70. Fate isn’t time bounded and has a wicked sense of humor.
I don’t know why so many INFPs choose to hold onto the belief of the one true love. It’s counterproductive because long term relationships have little to do with love. Love doesn’t conquer all. There’s a reason why our divorce rate is 50%. It’s from the belief that love fixes everything and when it doesn’t then you aren’t in love anymore.
For example, many couples break up over infidelity. Infidelity has very little to do with love and more to do with one partner looking outside the relationship to find whatever they think is missing in the current relationship. It’s not as if one person stopped loving the other. It’s about a breakdown in the relationship and differing values. Love has very little to do with maintaining long-term relationships.
Most INFPs I know want a loving, lasting relationship. Great relationships come from similar values, communication, mutual effort and timing. So why do INFPs focus so hard on finding that one person that “gets” them and not the person that picks up after themselves? I’m not saying that those traits are mutually exclusive. I’m just saying that finding someone who picks up after themselves is easier and contributes more to a lasting relationship than someone who understands your soul.
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Ross
Jan 12, 2010
5:09 pm
Beautifully put. The difference between reality and romance? Am I oversimplifying? At any rate, I usually end up managing to tease myself at least a little – what is it that’s so great about my soul anyway? Why am I so obsessed that I be properly understood? I can just imagine at the end of destiny’s trail, finally meeting the ultimate perceiver – he gazes upon my beauteous soul and he’s like “Ew. You haven’t picked up after yourself in years.”
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
I think romance has a definite place in reality. Romance can’t be the only reality. Also, I don’t think anyone has to understand you completely for a relationship to work. They just have to understand you enough.
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Julie
Jan 12, 2010
6:18 pm
I’m glad you chose to write on this topic. It’s very true. There is no way that there is ONE person out there meant for “you.” It’s about being open (and not “shallow”). I completely agree w/ the last sentence….actually the whole paragraph. Two INFP’s together, while maybe understanding each other’s “souls,” might not last due to other traits. Whereas, an INFP and another type might last due to “practical” traits that the other person has (strengths maybe?) that the INFP may not hold. Just a few of my thoughts. Oh, and I do think that “love” can make a relationship last. But love in the truest sense of the word…not “romantic” love, but the kinda love where you love the person, as an action, even when you don’t “feel” like it….consciously choosing to love.
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Loving someone is definitely an action. You do loving things in order to show love for another person and it’s in that doing that grows and sustains a loving relationship. I always point people to the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman since people feel loved in different ways.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Excellent book! I’m constantly referring people to that one, too.
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julie
Jan 12, 2010
9:31 pm
Yes! I have that book and have read it a few times. Definitely a good read. I have also recommended it to people. I think “quality time” is my main “love language.” Oh, and “words of affirmation.”
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 12:38 am
My main ones are quality time and physical touch. My wife’s is acts of service and quality time. So I remember to do the dishes and she tries not to roll her eyes when I hug her all the time.
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INFP lady
Jan 14, 2010
10:18 pm
Amen! This is so true, and especially for INFPs. I was under the Destiny Delusion, and Soulmate Syndrome when I was first married. I know I made an amazing choice though, seriously would be hard-pressed to find a more supportive, responsible, interesting guy, who also shares my values.
Amen to WORKING on relationships… not finding the ‘perfect’ one.
I too am married to an INTJ. I really think it’s a great choice for INFPs. He helps me ‘access my not crazy side’ (The Office quote)
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ockhamdesign Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 1:22 am
The one thing that INFPs have in our favor is good intuition. We can pick out the ones that will work on the relationship with us.
It’s when we ignore our intuition when it tells us that the bad things in the other person is detrimental to the relationship. Everybody has behaviors that the other person doesn’t like which is fine, unless those behaviors are detrimental to a relationship (i.e. alcoholism, gambling, bad spending habits, avoidance issues, etc.) It goes bad when we convince ourselves, we can change that other person, and when we finally realize that we can’t, that’s when the relationship falls apart.
What you get, is pretty much what you get.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
That’s a good point. The worst relationships I’ve been in are the ones that I ignored my intuition about. I tend to convince myself that I can change that other person and that never ends up working well.
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Bindy
Apr 9, 2010
3:10 am
Hi
I love your blog. I found out I was INFP about 4 years ago and it was a revelation to me in terms of why I spent most of my life feeling like a square peg in a round hole – it certainly helped with my self-acceptance and my endless quest to transform myself into something that seemed more socially-acceptable (ie something more along the lines of ESxx).
Anyway, re: the soulmate thing – I believe this is common in NFs and is due to our high degree of empathy; we want to mutually connect with our significant other at that level. Indeed, I have read elsewhere that one of the most frustrating things about being INFP is that feeling that you always ‘get’ what is going on in the core of other people while you rarely feel that anyone ‘gets’ you. I’m not an overly romantic person, nor do I believe in ‘The One’ but I do know that I need that deep connection with my significant other. I’ve dated a lot of INTx and although I love the shared ‘N’ way of looking at the world, ultimately their lack of empathy and cold, hard, logical way of being leaves me cold. The one person I did connect with on a profoundly deep level was an ENFJ. His warmth and empathy were amazing – we could talk for hours. I would say that he ‘got’ me in a way I’ve never experienced before or since. I had no idea that type of connection was even possible until I met him. That particular relationship didn’t work out, but that’s the level of connection I now look for – it’s hard to accept anything less once that has been experienced.
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Yeah I agree w/ you on this. I definitely feel that I “get” people much more than they “get” me. I confess I still hold onto the souldmate ideal, but mainly b/c I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t “get” me.
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bicicletaazul
Apr 9, 2010
5:02 pm
My husband is ESTJ…not heaven as far as being “gotten”. It’s been plenty of work, and plenty of feeling misunderstood, especially in the earlier stages of our relationship. (And he hasn’t always felt valued by me, for sure..) But–in a practical sense he’s been really good for me. He’s helped me so much to develop confidence in my (worldly)abilities, and his common sense has given me a much more useful way to manage the world around me when I’m feeling swirled in a visionary idealism that can keep me from getting anything done.. the main thing is that he loves me with a loyalty and patience that I’ve never before experienced. We may not always feel “percento de ciento simpatico”–but on a deep level he’s got my back, and I’ve got his. That’s worth millions.
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anonymus
Apr 12, 2010
9:55 am
It’s because they want it that way. What it means for them won’t ever be the same for you. That’s the basic concept of “perceiving”. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. People who find it hard to accept something usually has a tendency to “judge” more than “perceive”. Example : Is it hard for you to accept that 1+1 is not always 2?
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ockhamdesign Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
I think what I find the hardest to accept is that INFPs for all our vaunted ability at perceiving, we’re pretty damn crappy when it comes to relationships. I’m not talking about meaning. I’m looking at actual measurable results which are INFPs on forums complaining how terribly they’ve misjudged people and how those relationships end badly. I just don’t believe INFPs want it that way.
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Mark Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 8:02 pm
It’s not the perceiving that’s the problem–its the idealism! We can perceive flaws in ourselves and others all to well!
Don’t settle, but you said it, you don’t have to be understood perfectly–just enough.
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hello
Apr 18, 2010
2:14 am
I like what you write. As an INFP, I’ve noticed the changes that I’ve gone through as I’ve gotten older from .. getting offended that physical attraction IS in the equation .. to accepting that I am somewhat shallow and it’s fine. Sadly as a result, I’ve noticed that I get annoyed by other INFPs more easily than before.. because it seems like many of us impose ideals on ourselves or think we have qualities or preferences that we don’t actually have. You sound like you’re very mature and have a good understanding of how we function. It’s been fun reading so far
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ockhamdesign Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 3:10 am
I don’t think it has anything to do with being shallow and everything to do with being realistic.
I think it’s great that INFPs hold ourselves to our ideals. Though we may not have those qualities now, our Self Ideal is something to strive for. However, everything should be questioned and nothing taken for granted including our ideals.
I can’t tell any INFP that their ideals are right or wrong. But I want other INFPs to ask if their ideals are right for them. Everyone has their vision of the ideal mate. However, if we’ve never found our soulmate or if we found our soulmate and they left, maybe it’s time we re-examine what soulmate should mean.
We believe our ideals because we think they are right. We hold onto those ideals long after they’ve proven to be unhelpful because we don’t want to be wrong. I’ve noticed that being right and being effective are two different things.
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hello Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
right, I guess “shallow” is not a good way to put it. I can be extreme in my choice of words sometimes. (Is that an INFP thing?)
have you ever posted something about how you met/ended up with your wife? It’s not exactly the theme of your blog but I think it could be helpful/interesting
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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Ouch. That’s a very good point. I met (who I thought was) my soulmate in college; he and I had amazing conversations and he’s one of the only people I ever felt truly “got” me. Unfortunately he moved on with life, didn’t want a relationship with me, and yet I still find myself clinging to the notion that he is “the one” for me. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I have such trouble finding a guy now. Maybe I’m still clinging to that ideal that I had back then and not letting go or reassessing what’s important. Definitely something I’ll need to think about.
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Here and Now
May 5, 2010
4:18 pm
This blog has been an absolute GODSEND! I am just learning that I am an INFP and reading all of the comments have FINALLY made me feel as if SOMEBODY gets it! Are there conventions designed for our personalities? If not, it would be a great idea for someone to initiate!
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ockhamdesign Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
INFPs have much in common but at the same time were so uniquely individual. If you want to connect with other INFPs and discover all the different shapes and psyches of INFPs, I would recommend checking out the forums on Personality Cafe or Facebook. You can find those links under my Social Networking Resources.
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Hekutoru
Jul 9, 2010
1:03 am
I have a question, when ever the girl that i like talks to me i kinda get an emotionally “explosion”. where i get shy, scared of being rejected, and i just can’t think about what i should say back, i also feel like leaving the room because am afraid of other people listining to my conversation, and it happens at concerts, are activitys with the band, do you have any advice on how i can overcome it, are how i can tell that she likes me. (am a clarinet player for the band, i hate the part where we perform lol.)
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Corin Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 2:45 am
This is very hard, but other people not just girls respond better at the beginning of relationships if they’re not the most important things in your life. There so much less pressure on you and on them at the beginning when you have other activities and goals that are much much more important that having a relationship.
My wife was about 4th on my list when I first met her. Writing, dancing and personal development came before relationships. We dated but I had more important things and so did she. I enjoyed spending time with her, but mostly I focused on writing and dancing. We really didn’t start become important to each other until 6 or 8 months later. It was about 14 months after we started dating when I realized that she’d become one of the most important things in my life was when I decided to ask her to marry me.
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