I waited a year before taking the time to design my blog. The first iteration took me 15 minutes to throw together from a template I found. This version, I spent roughly 60 hours designing and coding over the last 2 weeks. Even before I started design, my two questions were “so what?” followed by “who cares?”.

Amanda Linehan, an INFP who writes a self awareness blog, Look Far, wrote about asking the right questions. For me, “So what?” and “Who cares?” are my most important questions. They give me perspective. They moderate my need for validation. “So what” reminds me that even though I think I’m unique and special, the universe is under no obligation to acknowledge this in anyway.

INFP Blog is my third blog. The first two failed. I forgot that the fundamental objective of any blog is building a relationship with your reader. Anyone who says that they write blogs for themselves needs reminding that if a person wants to write something no one reads, it’s easier to keep a diary under the bed. Pen and paper have smaller learning curves than WordPress or Blogspot.

My first two blogs looked cool. I spent weeks with the design. My objective was to express myself by creating something that reflected me. If I asked myself “so what” at the start, I could have saved myself the trouble. After all the hours designing and coding those first blogs, no one read them. After the launch, I was too burnt out and too disappointed to get to the real work of building relationships.

Those failed blogs represent a bigger picture of how I formed relationships in my real life. I thought that if learned something really well and expressed myself with it, I’d be cool and people would be naturally be attracted. My self-worth would be validated by the awesomeness of my skills. Yeah, that didn’t work.

Here’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships. People don’t like us for who we are. For the most part, few really know who we are. And perhaps since we’re INFPs, most never will. People like us because of who they are when they’re around us.

A common complaint on INFP forums is how INFPs are shy and a little bit lonely because we find it difficult to meet people with whom we connect. So instead, INFPs focus on self-development. However, if our goal is finding meaningful relationships, why are we so focused on something we aren’t going to readily share with someone we don’t already know?

INFPs learn and improve on skills and knowledge that make us unique whether it’s Tarot, Vogon poetry, speaking Elvish or the MBTI. We get awesome at these skills and wouldn’t mind being recognized by the like-minded for the time and energy spent. However, the only people who recognize the dedication are others with the same interest who also spent time and energy and would also like to be recognized for their awesomeness. For me, mutual back patting has never been a solid foundation to build meaningful relationships. As for the ones who aren’t like-minded, they don’t care if we know the meaning of moons in certain Houses or about Risings and Cusps. People only care what we know once they know that we care.

The question of “so what?” takes me outside of my head. So I redesign my blog, lots of people redesign their blogs every day. What makes me doing it so special? My answer was nothing. This leads to better questions:

Will my traffic increase because I redesigned?
Nope. I have 12 years of web experience to know that’s untrue.

Will it make me feel better if the site looks prettier?
A little. I like shiny.

Will it make me feel better if the site is pretty and no one reads my site?
No

Is the reason for creating the site to make myself feel better?
No.

So what’s a good reason to spend all this effort redesigning if feeling better was the reason for the site in the first place?
Because I can’t find anything. Whenever I want to link to an old post, I have to go digging for it. If I have this much problem navigating my site, it’s probably worse for someone else.

These are the same questions that went through my head a year ago when I first created the site. I couldn’t find a good reason to spend hours on design so I put up something simple and focused on writing and building relationships instead. Now that I have a modest readership, I redesigned for usefulness to improve relationships. People are attracted to usefulness.

Yes, I could have redesigned to feel better. INFPs do that all the time. We do things to make ourselves feel better, but feeling better usually isn’t the primary purpose. Feeling better is the consolation prize so we aren’t too hurt if we fail at our primary goal. Feeling better is 2nd place. INFPs spend a lot of time and energy trying to reach 2nd place instead of focusing on our primary goals.

I could have redesigned to just express myself. Expressing for oneself is necessary and essential for INFPs. However, when we do something that only benefits ourselves, no one else cares. Doing things to make ourselves feel better falls under the same category because it only benefits us. Why should anyone else care?

Here’s a secret. Even though the new design is shiny, it’s not my preferred design style. However, the navigation is cleaner. Using serif fonts and increasing the white space make long text easier to read. Also the new layout, lets me scale the the site into a resource. I have a space for book recommendations that a reader asked for 3 months ago. In short, it’s more useful. Useful builds relationships.

If you haven’t read Part 1, you missed the other types of Tweeters.

The Reciprocal Tweeter

Tweet: @ToWhomEver I thought your new blog post was great. Here’s a link to mine.

To be fair, it’s sucks to give without getting. But that’s not how Twitter works. That’s not how relationships work. Nowhere does it say if I like you, you have to automatically like me back. Reciprocal Tweeters thinks a Rule of Reciprocation should exists. If they follow you, you should follow them. If you don’t reply when they reply, if you don’t retweet if they retweet, if you don’t comment when they comment, they’ll consider it a slight. Enough slights added up and they unfollow you.

Reciprocal Tweeters are the it’s-not-me-it’s-you people in relationships. They can’t understand how they end up dating so many jerks. What they don’t realize is that the quid pro quo approach to relationships ends up creating heavy expectations. When those expections go unmet, then it’s never them being wrong for having expectations of another person’s behavior, it’s the other person not changing into someone more suitable.

Jerks have always been jerks. It’s not their fault that they’re a jerk to you because they’re a jerk to everyone. Who’s fault is it really to decide to try to have a relationships with one in the first place?

The Common Interest Tweeter

Tweet: I’m an INFP, what about you?

Common interest tweets are the most common tweets. It could be about INFP or it could be tweets about favorite films or favorite poems. Common tweets can be associated with topic hashtags. Unfortunately, common interest is only the start of relationships.

Common Interest Tweeters are the ones that join the latest Facebook fan page and takes the latest test. They join clubs and attend social activities whether it be ballroom dancing or coed naked slam poetry readings. They hangout with buddies as much as they can, but they can’t understand why they aren’t forming more meaningful relationships.

I can talk all about INFP and geek stuff, but if that other person stalks their ex as a hobby, I don’t think the friendship will be going anywhere. Having lots of common interests doesn’t really denote compatible values. Common Interest Tweeters seem endlessly surprised that a mutual love for 19th century Romantic poetry doesn’t preclude someone from being an axe-murderer.

Relationships Begin With You

It’s not looking to meet the right people.

In Twitter, whether people follow or unfollow really starts with us. Friends, acquaintances and Twitter followers are a reflection of us because these are the people that we attract into our life.

I have so much to give to the right person is a wonderful in theory.

However, if all the baggage and all the things currently going wrong in our life leaves us a bit broken and we don’t fix it first, we’re a crappy gift. What we’re basically saying is, “hey, this doesn’t work right, but I want you to have it anyway.” Gee, thanks.

Someone who love me should love me for who I am even slightly broken is also wonderful in theory.

I have a slightly broken dryer who’s timer I doesn’t work. So I have to wait and manually turn it off. I can’t just set it and go to bed or leave the house. That’s the problem with slightly broken things. It creates an unbalance in the relationships because whatever is slightly broken requires more time and resources. Unbalanced relationships fail.

INFP is behavior. Behavior is self-similar. In other words, how you do anything is how you do everything. This applies to Twitter.

Since Twitter is a communication platform, I think INFPs believe their objective on Twitter is to share information. If you’re an INFP who thinks the end goal of Twitter is the act of sharing, you’ll soon be bored and quit.

INFPs in 3D interaction don’t share information to strangers as a goal. We don’t tell the guy who takes our money for gas that we write poetry. We don’t tell the hostess that seats us at a restaurant what we ate this morning. So why do we do this on Twitter?

Because Twitter allows INFPs a platform to form relationships.

INFPs are all about relationships. INFPs on Twitter are looking for connection. Otherwise what’s the point of telling someone that you got a new job, unless you’re looking to connect with someone kind enough to say congratulations. Twitter is a microcosm of relationships being created and dissolved at internet speed all with a click of Follow or Unfollow.

Our behavior on Twitter is quite telling of our relationships if you choose to pay attention.

The Vague Tweeter

Tweet: I’m not sure what my problem is today.

In any healthy relationship, good communication is the key. Vague tweets don’t communicate anything because there’s no context.

Vague Tweeters are the reserved ones who believe that being mysterious offsets being shy. They wait for others to initiate new relationships. Being mysterious is their defense mechanism. It’s also just another hoop that strangers have to jump through in order to get to know the “real” them.

In away-from-keyboard relationships, Vague Tweeters don’t realize that maybe the other person just doesn’t get it and never will. This is what kills most Vague Tweeter relationships where the INFP thinks their significant other doesn’t see there’s a problem when it should be obvious. Since that significant other doesn’t even recognize the problem that must mean the significant other never really understood them in the first place. So the Vague Tweeter ends the relationships. Luckily unfollows are much less complicated than break-ups.

The Esoteric Tweeter

Tweet: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Of course, no attribute to Ferris Bueller’s Day off anywhere in the tweet. It’s the lack of attribution that’s the key. INFPs use esoteric tweets ars testers and anyone who gets it, passed the test for potential follow or at least a stay from being unfollowed.

Esoteric Tweeters in daily life feel that the kiss-a-lot-of-frogs approach to relationships is for suckers. So they test people for potential relationship material. It could be references to little known indie flicks that have personal meaning. The thought behind this is that if another has seen the movie and liked it enough to remember the reference then this person is someone that shares similar sensibilities and a candidate for potential friendship.

Or that person could just have an excellent memory for pop culture trivia. This isn’t usually a one time occurrence. Esoteric Tweeters will test in various areas important to them to get a sense of that person overall.

What surprises Esoteric Tweeter is that when the other person passes their tests, that person chooses to go their own way anyway. The Esoteric Tweeter is wondering how someone can walk away from all the clear signals for compatibility after they’ve passed with flying colors.

Assume that the other person knows they’re being tested. No one likes it. It’s impolite. Most of all, testing is complicated and time-consuming. If someone had to choose between a relationship that’s easy or complicated, which do you think they’ll choose?

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Part 2: Common Interest Tweeter, Reciprocal Tweeter, Relationships being with you

Have you ever notice that for INFPs, a description of soulmate is like a shopping list that takes 15 minutes to describe when they’re 20 and single, and still takes 15 minutes when they’re 40 and single?

INFPs everywhere are protesting that we aren’t that shallow. I can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that my soulmate is just someone who “gets” me.

My response is this: do you have to be physically attracted to your soulmate for them to be your soulmate?

What if he’s bald and noticeably shorter than you? What if she has bad teeth and a laugh that scares off harpies? Can they be your soulmate if they have horrendous hygiene and you find them disgusting?

Have you even looked? Perhaps that urine smelling homeless man that’s old enough to be your father that you pass every day on the way to work is the one person in the whole world who understands you and will accept you completely. You’re never going to find out by giving him the occasional dollar bill as you walk by.

INFPs seem offended by the notion that there’s a minimum attractiveness quotient before someone can really understand why some days we’re on the verge of tears for no apparent reason.

Here’s some bad news for you. If you believe there’s only one soulmate, that one person who’s just perfect for you, given that there’s 6 billion people, is statistically in a different country and most likely married or dead depending on the age. That’s a depressing thought so INFPs with Soulmate Syndrome have an additional condition called Destiny Delerium, the belief that the universe will make sure that their paths will cross.

Did you meet your one true love already and didn’t recognize that person as your true love? Maybe, you thought someone was your one true love until the really nasty divorce and now you’re realizing that your soulmate is someone who gets you and someone who doesn’t play World of Warcraft all day and picks up after themselves every once in a while.

Maybe, you won’t meet your one true love until your 70. Fate isn’t time bounded and has a wicked sense of humor.

I don’t know why so many INFPs choose to hold onto the belief of the one true love. It’s counterproductive because long term relationships have little to do with love. Love doesn’t conquer all. There’s a reason why our divorce rate is 50%. It’s from the belief that love fixes everything and when it doesn’t then you aren’t in love anymore.

For example, many couples break up over infidelity. Infidelity has very little to do with love and more to do with one partner looking outside the relationship to find whatever they think is missing in the current relationship. It’s not as if one person stopped loving the other. It’s about a breakdown in the relationship and differing values. Love has very little to do with maintaining long-term relationships.

Most INFPs I know want a loving, lasting relationship. Great relationships come from similar values, communication, mutual effort and timing. So why do INFPs focus so hard on finding that one person that “gets” them and not the person that picks up after themselves? I’m not saying that those traits are mutually exclusive. I’m just saying that finding someone who picks up after themselves is easier and contributes more to a lasting relationship than someone who understands your soul.

As of Friday last week, I’ve been married to an INTJ for 13 years. I attribute most of that success to finding someone who was willing to put up with me. That and the fact that I’ve never expected her to make me happy. Your personal happiness is a big burden to place on another person.

I’ve always believed that if my life was crap, burdening someone else with the responsibility to relieve the crappiness is just a crappy thing to do someone. They have their own crap to deal with.

For my part, I don’t try to make her happy. She finds that on her own. I just make it easier for her which mostly entails doing dishes, cooking and keeping my mess confined to my office.

I don’t agree that there’s an ideal MBTI pairing for potential mates because lasting relationship are built on similar values. If one INFP is a vegan and the other INFP is a vegan axe-murderer, I don’t think that relationship is going to work out.

However, certain MBTI pairings make it easier with the day-to-day. Here’s why I think things have worked so well being with an INTJ:

1. We’re both I’s so neither of us needs to be the center of attention. I love E’s but being with outgoing E’s can be draining.
2. Her J balances my P. One of us has to remember to pay the bills on time.
3. Her J keeps us moving ahead. It’s good that at least one of us knows what they want. I can tag along until I figure out what I want.
4. Being N’s helps us both recognize that we’re heading into rough waters before the problems blow up.
5. My wife being an NTJ makes her driven which makes me want to get my act together. I can’t be a dilettante forever.
6. Being NTJ and NFP, we approach problem solving differently which increases the chances of finding a solution.
7. Being a P tends to make me more easy going which balances your her J need to make things happen right away. Life doesn’t always want to do things by our schedule.
8. Being INT and INF, we’re pretty strong in our sense of ourselves and our values which is the basis of any relationship.
9. Her NTJ keeps me grounded and focused when the NFP side makes me flighty trying to do a too many projects at once.
10. As a P, I don’t mind when she changes her mind later. I’ve managed to adapt.

My friend Sam messaged me last Monday and asked if I wanted to go see Nine Inch Nails. I’m a Trent fan. I like Trent’s business models but the last time I loved his music, Def Leppard was still getting airplay. Also, I’m broke.

Sam promptly replied that he asked me if I wanted to go, not whether I had money. Because apparently, that’s what friends do. It suddenly hit me that I have friends. It was bound to happen after spending years of freetime with the same people.

I don’t like the word friend. I decided to stop having friends in my mid-20′s. Without friends, it’s easier to people fit into two categories: People I like being around and the people I avoided. INFPs idealize friendship. The word friend has subtext.

When I said that a person was my friend, I meant they were my close friend who I could tell about the body secrets to. Everyone else wandered this vast limbo of acquaintancehood outside the door of my secret club of friends.

My friends were only those who could understand who I really was as a person. Pledging my club included figuring out their MBTI. We’re they INFPs because only INFPs or maybe an INT/J or P could understand me. INFPs use all sorts of initiation rituals for friendship. Astrology is quite popular as an INFP form of hazing.

I stopped making friends because people couldn’t quite live up to my idealization of them. People disappointed me. I felt hurt and betrayed because they should have known me better than that. Looking back at it now, I can tell you the most important thing I learned about friendship:

Friends are there to be your friend, not to make you feel less lonely.

I’ve known Sam for 7 years. I don’t know how long we’ve been friends. I never expected us to be friends and that’s probably why we are. I didn’t “go INFP”* on him.

Today, I call friends those people who’s company I enjoy and I spend time with. The other requirements I’ve learned to let go of. They don’t have to return messages in a timely manner. They don’t have to show up on time. They don’t have to learn the secret handshake and I’ve eliminated the blood sacrifice completely.

I don’t expect anything from my friends except for them to be who they are. They have lives that they’re trying to muddle through also. I’m almost a grown up now. I can deal with it.

As for the those deep dark secrets I was saving to tell close friends. They don’t need to know where the bodies are buried. Isn’t that what blogging is for?

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* I’m formally coining the phrase “going INFP”. Going INFP is when an INFP projects an ideal onto a person or a situation which results in disappointment due to unmet expectations.