Our OCD comes from over-thinking

INFPs think too much. We’re information gatherers. The strength of our Perception score determines how far into overdrive our secondary cognitive function of External Intution (Ne) runs. INFPs with high Perception scores get stuck in the “what if”. When we get stuck, the external doesn’t get processed by our Introverted Feeling (Fi) so we don’t move on.

In doing so, we lose touch with our Ideal and our Ideal Self. We start losing track of those things that we have built towards that ideal life we wanted. We start getting anxious that our tenuous grasp on our ideal life is slipping further away so we fall into OCD behavior.

For example, when I was in my early 20′s before I had a girlfriend and learned how to have balanced relationships, I would over-think situations meeting girls. Was this person a potential girlfriend and not just a friend? Was that an I-think-you’re-cool-smile or was that an I-wish-you-would-ask-me-out smile? What action I took depended on how I interpreted body language, word choice and all the minute details of all interactions. A brief phone call or a passing hello turned into hours of analysis later.

Ideally, I wanted girlfriend who loved and understood me. My over-thinking was causing that ideal to slip away. If she was the one, shouldn’t this entire process be natural and I shouldn’t be obsessing? The more I obsessed, the more un-ideal the situation was becoming. To lessen my anxiety, to stop thinking so much, I attempted to control my external environment by imposing order. I would be obsessive about washing dishes or putting books a certain way. A myriad of little quirks sprung out of nowhere all because I was over-thinking a relationship that didn’t even exist yet.

Obsessive compulsion is caused by anxiety. INFP develop that anxiety because when we get stuck in thoughts that we feel are moving us from our Ideal. It’s much like being stuck in traffic when we have to be somewhere. Where we have to be is our Ideal. Being stuck in our heads is us analyzing the traffic. Are the cars starting to move? Maybe we won’t be that late. Maybe we’ll give it just a couple of minutes. We look about for more information instead of deciding we have enough information to move on.

Instead, if we had decided that were stuck, we could have made new plans, called and rescheduled. Instead INFPs hold onto this Ideal destination whether it’s the perfect person or the perfect job or the perfect life. We think we can still have that perfection if we can impose some order through repetition of sometimes quirky behavior.

OCD behavior is exhibited in many different ways among INFPs. Usually, the OCD behavior has minimal impact to our lives during our over-thinking phases. Eventually INFPs let go of whatever is taking so much energy. However, if that over-thinking phase persists too long, INFPs have a tendency to shut down.

The Signs:

1. Refusal of the new. INFPs love experiences especially new ones in areas we enjoy. If an INFP loves trying new restaurants and turns down the opportunity to do so then it’s a sign that the INFP is over-thinking. We turn down new experiences we love because our brain is too busy to enjoy the new experience. If we try something new when were in an over-thinking phase, we’ll miss out because we’re only be partly present.

2. Control of environment. For me, it’s massive cleaning. For others, it could be organizing of the trivial. INFPs will try to compel order onto things of little consequence. The reason why we act upon things of little consequence is because we know that if we make a mistake, it won’t matter.

3. Withdrawal and isolation. INFPs ignoring important relationships is the biggest sign of trouble. INFPs do need alone time, but if we feel more tired after the alone time then our thoughts are too pre-occupied to let us recharge.

The Solution:

The only way INFPs can break out of the over-thinking/OCD cycle is to make a decision. We need our Fi to kick in to determine if something feels right or wrong. You can’t make that decision for us but you can make it easier for a decision to be made.

1. Impose order for us. Do the laundry, wash the dishes, take over the trivial or better yet get them done when we’re not looking. If an INFP can’t get caught up in OCD busy-work, we’re forced back into our heads where we’ll have to confront our issues.

2. Bring perspective. You bring perspective by living your life not ours. I like hearing about how other people live and approach their life. People that are passionate about how they deal with problems and how they embrace successes, give me something solid that I can relate my life against. Seeing someone living their life in front of me creates a sharp contrast to living in my head that’s causing the disruptive OCD behavior.

3. Make us a better offer. Offer us a distraction. When the INFPs that I know are in over-thinking mode, I get them out. We do stuff like hiking, dancing, going to a bookstore to get them out of their head and into their bodies. Offering distractions isn’t difficult because we don’t want to be alone in our heads during these phases.

It’s only when INFPs over-think for extended periods that cause disruptive OCD behavior. Most of the time, our OCD comes across as mild quirks. Those quirks don’t go away. You’re just stuck with them so enjoy.

The Care and Feeding of INFPs

Part 1 – INFPs need alone time
Part 2 – Speaking INFP

Speaking INFP

INFPs can be great communicators when they want to be. That’s the big catch: when they want to be.

By default, INFPs do two things that cause great frustration to other types.

1. Moving from point A to D while skipping points B and C.

Conversations with INFPs at times seems like a string of completely unrelated topics. I know I do that. I could be talking about Ethan Hawke and the next second, I could be talking about locus of control theory. The connecting thoughts are: Ethan Hawke was in Hamlet –> famous Hamlet quote “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” –> your thoughts are one of the few things you can control –> amount of happiness is proportional to how much control you feel you have in your life –> locus of control theory.

INFPs don’t vocalize those connecting thoughts. Conversations may seem like random jumps from topic to topic but those topics are related in the INFP’s head.

Most of the time, those connecting thoughts aren’t important in general conversation with friends. However, INFPs get so use to not vocalizing connecting thoughts that it’s a cause of problems in relationships. You could be discussing how the toilet isn’t fixed yet and then your INFP could end up mad at you about their birthday dinner next week.

The connecting points could be: The toilet is broken –> you promised to fix it –> you promised a lot of things but forgot about it because you’re too busy –> you promised to take your significant other to a fancy restaurant for their birthday –> now your INFP is mad at you because that dinner might not happen.

It’s at times like these you have to slow your INFP down and make them go through Points B and Point C with you.

2. Not realizing that sometimes Point D isn’t really the point.

Let’s break down the previous broken toilet to mad about dinner plans scenario.

a. toilet is broken
b. you promised to fix it
c. you promised a lot of things but forgot about it because you’re too busy
d. you promised to take your significant other to a fancy restaurant for their birthday
e. now your INFP is mad at you because that dinner might not happen

So here you are assuring your INFP that you’re not going to forget out their birthday dinner, and your INFP is still mad at you. Even worse, they don’t know why they’re still mad. Maybe the birthday dinner isn’t the issue.

Perhaps the issue is really Point C: you’re too busy. Being mad at you about dinner was only a symptom of a deeper issue. So why doesn’t your INFP come right out and say, you need to spend more time with me? Mostly likely, the INFP might not understand that’s the real issue. INFPs are great at understanding themselves, but not so great at understanding themselves in relation to another person.

That’s where the slow things down approach helps. Getting your INFP to slow down and go through their thought process not only clarifies things for you, but it also clarifies things for them.

Give your INFP some alone time

INFPs need time to reset. We have this mental/emotional bookshelf where a book is an emotion or mindset. The acts of everyday living—going to work, interacting with people, striving towards goals, maintaining our lives—requires pulling a book off the bookshelf to access what we need to live in the day-to-day.

As we use those books, they pile up and as more things happen day after day, going through the piles to find the books we need takes longer and longer. Eventually, we have to take some alone time and put those books in our mental piles back onto the bookshelf. That’s what I mean by resetting.

Alone time doesn’t actually mean being hidden away from everybody. It means being away from those that requires us to pull stuff off the shelf which is usually people we care about. INFPs are being perfectly capable of being alone with people around, just not with people we know.

Symptoms:

1. Lack of focus. INFPs are somewhat distracted anyway, but when we need time to reset, we can’t seem to concentrate on anything for any given length of time.

2. Irritability. We get short-tempered because when we don’t reset, everything becomes just another problem that needs a book from our shelf in order for us to solve it. And we can’t find that book because it’s in a pile somewhere.

3. Lack of communication. When we start answering emotionally complicated questions with single syllables, it’s time to leave us alone.

Treatment:

Basically, you need to create an environment where your INFP is only responsible for themselves. A loved one in the picture doesn’t work because if you’re around and the INFP cares for you then they’ll start thinking about how you’re feeling and how you’ll be reacting to their need to reset.

My wife is an INTJ and their reasons for alone time and symptoms are different than INFPs, but the treatment is the same. Usually, I take the kids to visit my parents for the entire day (6 or more hours). Or I send her out to the bookstore, coffee shop, shopping, etc. With kids, the INFP can’t be in the same proximity. It doesn’t work because with kids that close, you’re always a parent.

If you don’t have kids, go do something fun so your INFP doesn’t have to worry about you. Try to avoid doing anything that involves repeated vomiting which would require the INFP to hold your head at some later time. Also, avoid anything that requires the INFP to bail you out of jail. Just a tip.