Being an INFP can make life easier not harder.

No matter what MBTI type, people want to be happy and to feel fulfilled. Fulfillment comes from meeting our Six Needs. Happiness derives from feeling we have a control over the direction of our lives. INFPs have natural qualities that make both easier.

Some of those qualities are Authenticity, Adaptability, Intuition. This post focuses on authenticity.

How Authenticity Improves Our Lives

Being authentic means being genuine with yourself and with others. Authenticity requires that a person be honest about themselves and their motivations.

How many times in our lives have we gone after a goal and realized that goal wasn’t what we wanted? It was what our parents wanted or what society expected or what we thought would make us look cool. Being more honest doesn’t mean that we would change our actions, but it would make us more aware of our values.

Maybe we did go into a profession because of our parents. That only means that we valued our parent’s concern for us more than taking a risk into desired career. Maybe we take up activities to make us look better in the eyes of our peers but our heart isn’t in it. That only means we value the good opinion of our peers.

Understanding our values helps us understand which needs are most important to us. Doing as your parents wanted means that Love and Connection Needs (getting parents approval) are more important than Growth Needs (taking a risk towards non-parent approved career). If we are unhappy, perhaps those needs are in the wrong order or we need to meet our Love and Connection needs in other ways.

Clear values helps us evaluate which goals are more important than others because those are the goals that meet our most important needs. Knowing that our goals are meeting our needs gives us a sense of control in our lives and instead of feeling like we’re blindly groping forward. That sense of control in feeling that we are directing our lives makes us happier.

All of this happens if we strive to be honest is ourselves. We are more authentic, more genuine when we stop trying to fool ourselves.

Authenticity in INFPs

“To thine own self be true.” – Shakespeare

Authentic INFPs have learned to align our two worlds. Our external world is our presentation. It’s who we present to get along. Our internal world is our Identity. It’s who we are when we feel safe from judgment.

When Presentation and Identity become too disconnected, INFPs feel they’ve lost touch with themselves.

If our Presentation is employee but our Identity is artist, artistic INFPs don’t feel they’re lost if they continue practicing their art even though it’s not what they’re paid to do. It’s the artistic INFPs that put aside their art that feel hopeless and lost because they’ve put aside their Identity.

INFPs value authenticity because our auxiliary cognitive function of External Intuition is always searching for the hidden meanings and separating the true from the false. What INFPs value externally, we bring internally. INFPs want feel more authentic more genuine in how we live our lives. It’s our path to our Ideal Self.

Getting In Touch With the Authentic Us

In order to take advantage of our authenticity, we first have to find it.

1. Seek Solitude

INFPs want to be liked. That needs for Love & Connection and Critical Significance require other people’s acknowledgment. INFPs become less true to ourselves seeking that acknowledgment.

We need distance from others in order to separate our wants from what others want us to be. Solitude lets us strip off all the layers of protection built up against the real world. We can’t find our personal honesty until we remove those layers.

2. Understand our motivations

Our reasons are our why’s. Why do we do what we do? Thomas Payne said that people have two reasons to do something: a good reason and the real reason.

A good reason is what we tell others and convince ourselves is the noble cause of our actions. The real reason is what actually motivates our actions. That real reason is usually to fill an unmet need.

For example, when we get a job that we don’t feel is right, are we getting it for stability (Certainty needs), because we think people will think better of us (Critical Importance needs) or because it we think it will help us later (Growth needs)?

Once if figure out which need is being filled, it gives us the opportunity fill that need with something that does feel right. We can take different actions that align with our values.

3. Accept our flaws

Sometimes our reasons aren’t unique or enlightening or particularly noble. Sometimes our reasons don’t make us look very good. Those petty reasons for our actions make us feel flawed. INFPs want perfection especially in ourselves.

However, perfection makes everyone the same. The difference between a hand woven rug and a machine made rug is the handwoven rug will have imperfection. A human made it with the human possibility of making an error. Those imperfections make a hand woven rug unique.

It’s the same with people. It’s our flaws and the lives create despite them that gives us our individuality.

Using our Advantage

The next step to all knowledge is action. Knowledge without action is just potential. INFPs have been starving on the steady diet of our potential all our lives.

The object is to use our natural inclination to be authentic to meet needs and to regain a sense of control in our lives. Take the small step of goal setting because it will do both.

The First Small Step

1. Write down your goals.
2. For each goal, write down all the reasons you want to achieve that goal

Without step two, step one is worthless. Figuring our reasons aligns values with goals.

Being authentic means being honest. Those reasons don’t to have to be noble. Goal setting is being selfish because it’s all about what brings us happiness.

INFPs get enamored by something we think should make us happy only to find out later that it wasn’t what we really wanted. Being honest with ourselves minimizes these false starts because our goals will be meeting our real needs.

When climbing the ladder of success, make sure it’s leaning against the right wall. The right wall for an INFP is the one the takes us closer to our Ideal. The wrong wall is the one takes us closer to who we think our Ideal should be. Authenticity lets us differentiate the two.

How I Make This Work For Me

I’m in the process of goal setting this week. It’s taken about three months of almost completely eliminating my social schedule and changing my routines in order to find the distance I need.

Goal setting is time consuming. Writing the reasons takes longer than writing the goal. As I’m writing those reasons, I let the dominant INFP Intuitive Feeling kick into high gear. That cognitive function runs wild if I let it and I’m letting it determine if those reasons I write ring true or if I’m just convincing myself because I want them to be true.

My goals are all brainstormed in one sitting. I’m taking several days to figure out my reasons. Additionally, I’m writing which of the Six Needs each goal is trying to fulfill.

For example, one of my goals is to climb Kilimanjaro which fills my Growth need and my Critical Importance need. It fills my Growth need because at this time I’m nowhere where near the shape physically or financially to complete the goal. It fills my Critical Importance needs because I get to tell people I did it.

Yes, filling that Critical Importance needs seems self-indulgent. But in meeting our needs, we have to accept that we can’t be who we think other people think will like.

Our authenticity and our happiness depends on it.

As INFPs, we live in an internal dream world of our ideals where everything exists the way we think it should be. When reality forces us to wake up, it feels a little like dying.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, wrote that people experience five stages of grief when they are confronted with significant loss like receiving news of terminal illness. As the real world begins crowding into the INFPs idealized world, INFPs realize that we have to let go of the our idealize version of the world. In doing so, we move back and forth through the stages until we wake up.

Stage 1: Denial

“If I can’t make a living doing what I love then I’d rather be dead.”

The denial stage manifests as avoidance of facts. Denial is wanting the Reward without knowing the Rules. Denial is wishful dreaming while refusing to look at how those dreams manifest.

INFPs in denial believe that writing their first book will somehow automagically translate to being able to eat and pay rent as a writer through some series of serendipity. INFPs in denial believe that if the right person was in their life then everything will work out.

INFPs in denial know their desired Reward such as “I want to write books for a living” but can’t answer questions about the Rules such as “do you know how much an average Times bestselling author makes?” They don’t want to know the answer because the answer brings them closer to waking up.

The denial stage can only exist if the INFP lives in a protected environment such as living at home or at college on their parent’s income. I don’t know any INFPs who work two jobs to pay to college part time that are still in the denial phase. INFPs start moving out of denial phase about 6 months after they started paying rent and stopped doing laundry at their parent’s house.

Stage 2: Anger

“I think the world is too materialistic.”

The anger stage manifests as placing blame. It’s the world’s ideals that are screwed up. INFPs believe that the world is too shallow, materialistic and uncaring to recognize the awesomeness of the INFP’s individuality. INFPs in the anger stage have few friends and work at jobs they feel is beneath their natural talent. Bad relationships are always about the INFP getting mistreated in some way. It’s never the INFPs fault for choosing crappy people for relationships.

The Anger stage last as until the INFP gets tired of feeling alone and disconnected. Angry people make poor friends because it’s always going to be everyone else’s fault. I find that most Angry INFPs are lonely INFPs.

The Anger stage stops when the entitlement mentality stops. Just because an INFP feels that they’re special or talented doesn’t obligate anyone else to recognize this. INFPs moving from the Anger stage realize that they’re not entitled to their Rewards and have follow the Rules for those Rewards like everyone else.

Stage 3: Bargaining

“I don’t need a fancy house or money to be happy.”

The bargaining stage manifests as settling. I don’t think any INFP would turn down the keys from someone who just drove a truckload of money to their front doorstep. INFPs are dreamers. We have an ideal of what our perfect world would be like. However, trying to achieve that ideal involves risk. Our grand plans might fail. So we settle for the safer route. Bargaining stage is about eschewing those things the INFP doesn’t need instead of fully committing to the things they really want.

Bargaining stage is about reaching contentment, not fulfillment. INFPs bargain with themselves by trying to figure out their minimum standard for happiness. Bargaining minimizes being hurt. INFPs tell themselves that even though they didn’t get what they wanted, at least they got what they needed.

Bargaining stops when they INFPs re-evaluate their life. They see not being unhappy isn’t the same as being happy.

Stage 4: Depression

“I don’t care about those things.”

The depression stage manifests as inaction. Depression occurs when a person feels that the things they value in life are beyond their control of achieving. That’s why I keep reiterating that a person’s level of happiness is directly related to the amount of control we feel we have in our lives. If an INFP feels that finding the right person is luck then meaningful relationships is beyond their control. Eventually, they give up by not taking any actions to form relationships.

The INFPs in the depression stage have had repeated bad outcomes which leads to learned helplessness. Their experience has taught them that no matter what they’ve tried to achieve personal happiness, it never works out because of other people, the situation, the way the world is and other external factors beyond their control.

It should be noted that the depression stage doesn’t always manifest itself with classic symptoms of emotional depression or dysthymia (chronic low-grade depression or moodiness). INFP idealism can turn the depression stage into martyrdom. INFPs don’t see it as not taking action towards happiness. They see it as surviving despite the fact that the rules of the world are not in their favor. They are proud of the fact that they can persevere by continuing to do what they’ve always done. They’ve become very successful at not achieving their personal success.

The depression stage ends when the INFP accepts full responsibility for all the crappy people and situations in their life.

Stage 5: Acceptance

“It’s my fault.” “I’m responsible.”

The acceptance stage manifests as accepting personal responsibility. Saying “it’s all my fault” “I’m responsible” takes the control from the external and gives it back to the INFP. We accept that all outcomes come from our actions.

Acceptance is recognizing that we never fail, we get bad outcomes. We keep changing our actions until we get the outcome we want. Waking up isn’t about letting go of our dreams. It’s about wiping the sleep from our eyes and making those dreams real.

Change made on: April 29, 2010

I changed “It’s my fault” to “I’m responsible”. Something Brian Tracy, a motivational speaker said, made me want to change this. The word fault denotes blame and is always past focused. The past cannot be changed. Saying “I’m responsible” is future focused because from this point forward we accept that we are in charge of our lives.

Success is the achievement of a desired outcome. Whether it’s to become a best selling author or getting the world to leave you alone, success requires actions to achieve those goals. So why do some INFPs get better outcomes then others?

All MBTI preferences have strengths and weaknesses. The strengths move us two steps forward. The weaknesses bring us one step back. Successful INFPs nurture strengths and mitigate weaknesses. Nurturing strengths means improving those qualities that give us the outcomes we want. Mitigating weaknesses means finding ways to compensate for those qualities that move us from our goals.

Whatever it is we want to achieve, INFPs have four qualities that bring us closer to our goals. It’s these qualities if nurtured, bring us better outcomes.

1. INFPs are self-aware.

INFPs know when something we’re doing feels wrong. I may not know if I’m doing it right, but I definitely know if I’m doing it wrong.

Our primary cognitive function Introverted Feeling and our secondary Extroverted Intuition give INFPs an edge to self-awareness. Introverted Feeling means we make decisions about our internal world all the time. Extroverted Intuition means we make those internal world decisions based on our external sixth sense data.

For example, when I was learning a new martial art, I’d observe the black belts. Something about they way the stood, moved and looked gave me a sense of what doing the technique correctly would feel like. When I did the technique, I’d compare how I felt with how I thought it should feel. If I felt off, I’d ask the instructors if I was doing something wrong. Almost always, I was. The wrongness I felt was something basic like my center of gravity being too high or my weight shifted wrong.

Other INFPs have commented that they always know when something is off in their life, even if they don’t know why. Our self-awareness is the reason why I think INFPs learn quickly. We often know right away when we’re doing it wrong so we can correct mistakes.

Successful INFPs nurture the Introverted Feeling function by taking the next step and trusting their gut instincts enough to make changes. When INFPs take action, we know immediately if our gut instinct was right. Knowing if we were right or wrong about our instincts improves our chances of being right the next time.

One caveat: The INFP’s Introverted Feeling is great for decisions about our internal world like deciding the kind of person we want to be. We aren’t so good at decisions about our external world like deciding if someone likes us or deciding what job we want.

However, when our gut instinct is wrong, Success Quality 2 bails us out.

2. INFPs are knowledgeable or excel in at least one thing.

INFPs come off as dilettantes because we’re always trying new things. However, every INFP I know is good at at least one thing. That one thing ranges from writing to photography to programming.

We base our self-worth on that one thing. It’s our anchor in the wild seas of self-confidence. Often, the INFP self-confidence exists on shaky ground. Bad results from day-to-day living knock around our self-confidence. However when bad things happen, it’s harder to knock INFPs completely off.

INFPs have a fall back. We say, okay my life sucks, but at least I can still take a good photo. So my boyfriend/girlfriend dumped me but I’m going to write the best short story from it. That one thing we’re good at gives us an anchor to hold until the storm passes. That anchor keeps INFPs from being knocked off course when bad things happen.

I don’t know any INFPs that go on drinking benders, or sell everything and move to Tibet, or trash our rooms when things don’t work out. INFPs withdraw. INFPs do our one thing. When the storm passes, we realize we aren’t that far off course, pull up anchor and start moving again towards our goals.

Strangely enough, the best way to nurture that one good thing is to be good at another thing also. Anything that constantly bails us out suffers strain. Say you write and your writing is the constant that keeps you going during bad times, eventually that pressure to write to ease stress will leave you with a blank page. If you’re good at more than one thing, you can divide your stress, your self-worth and your need for safe harbor between multiple things.

Bad decisions happen and we can’t keep running away every time something goes bad. So what keeps INFPs from making the same bad decisions? Success Quality 3.

3. INFPs are adaptable without losing sight of our ideals.

Sometimes we get an outcome we didn’t want. Successful personalities adapt quickly.

INFPs get hurt all the time. The reason why INFPs don’t stay hurt forever is because being bored is worse than being hurt. Getting back up and risking a new hurt is more interesting than dwelling on a past hurt. Its one advantage with INFPs being bored easily.

The caveat is the addiction to getting knocked down in order to feel a new hurt. This leads to INFP drama. Unsuccessful INFPs take the same risks and get the same failures. Successful INFPs take better risks to get a better chance of success.

We nurture our adaptability by focusing on our original goals despite failure while taking different actions to produce better outcomes. We stop adapting when we go after different Rewards because we failed at getting what we wanted.

There’s nothing wrong with going from brand new goal to brand new goal, but isn’t it better to be a successful dilettante? Unsuccessful dilettantes try for new Rewards because they couldn’t get the last one. Successful dilettantes try for new rewards because they achieved their last one and realize it wasn’t really wanted they wanted.

Thankfully, INFP idealism keeps us from wandering aimlessly from goal to goal. Our ideals keeps us to our internal values. We resist becoming someone we’re not.

Keeping the same goals doesn’t mean not trying new things which is Success Quality 4.

4. INFPs are open to the new.

Life is going from one set of problems to a better set of problems. When we first move out, one of the big problems many people encounter is deciding between mac and cheese and Ramen noodles. I don’t think anyone wants to have that problem when they’re forty. You move from mac and cheese to figuring out long-term career goals to deciding how you want to grow older.

Better problems requires two steps, solving the old problem and embracing new problems. Both of which require Success Quality 4. We can’t do the same thing and expect a different result, but we end up doing the same things because we don’t know better. In order to know better, we need new information and new skills.

I don’t know a single INFP that isn’t well-read. INFPs read cross-genre. They may have a favorite, but sci-fi geek INFPs read philosophy and artists INFPs read non-fiction biographies. INFPs take in new ideas. INFPs take in new experiences whether it’s Ethiopian food or learning ballroom dancing. It’s the new that gives us perspective in figuring out better ways to solve old problems.

Even after we’ve solved the old problem, we don’t move forward until we embrace new problems. It’s comforting being able to solve the same problem over and over. However, the same problem keeps us in the same place.

When I was a teenager, living with parents was trying but safe. Dealing with how they wanted me to live my life versus how I saw it, created huge problems. I decided I would live my way and make my own mistakes so I chose different career goals and different activities.

Then I needed to make a new choice. I could I continue living with my parents, rehashing and resolving old problems about doing things their way or I could embrace new problems like moving out and figuring out if I preferred mac and cheese over Ramen noodles. So at 19, I decided the mac and cheese problem was a much better problem.

Embracing the new is scary, but we nurture our openness to the new by doing something new. Every week, I start a conversation with someone I don’t know. It’s daunting for me, but you know what’s great about the new. It’s not boring.

Someone asked me on Twitter how I became so knowledgeable about INFPs. The question makes me a little uncomfortable because it infers that I have some expertise with INFPs. I don’t. I’m just very knowledgeable about me as an INFP.

I read Type Talk and Please Understand Me when I was 20 and fell in love with personality psychology. I read Myers and Briggs’ Gifts Differing. I read Please Understand Me 2. That’s the extent of my formal knowledge of the MBTI, and on top of that I disagree with the books.

I’ve always disliked the various descriptions for INFP. Some of it was true some of the time. Other parts didn’t apply at all. One sentence described me incredibly accurately and the next would be way off base. I quickly decided that the MBTI types were really MBTI stereotypes. I don’t mind stereotypes. Stereotypes are generalizations and generalizations can be useful, but they have no nuances. They don’t take explain the gradations and the exceptions. The INFPs throughout my life are all very different even though we share certain common behaviors.

That’s got me to thinking over the last 20 years of why INFPs are so different. Why are some Christians and others are Wiccans? Why are some more successful in their careers than others? I wrote this blog to share those thoughts about INFPs.

I think way too much. I think about myself way too much. I think about my behaviors in relation to how it can be explained in terms of INFP so much I’m surprised I’m not catatonic and drooling. This behavior has been constant in life and it’s not healthy. So around 20, I started reading Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy and others. My thoughts as I went through their programs was, “Man this would be so much easier if I was a ESTJ.”

However, like all INFPs, I picked and chose the parts that I liked and filed the rest away for later use. I’m 40 this year and being an INFP at 40 is very different than being an INFP at 20. I’ve been many INFPs in those years between.

I’ve been the Hopeless Romantic INFP who stole a Columbia St. street sign, gift-wrapped it and left it anonymously for a girl I had an unrequited crush on who was leaving for Columbia University. I’ve been the Starving Artist INFP who wanted to be writer without realizing that any novel not in the top 15 of the bestsellers list makes around $20K for 2 years worth of writing and revising. I’ve been the Reject The Norm INFP hanging out with all the other anti-establishment folk so I could feel special and different without realizing that I was just being lazy because rejecting something is so much easier than standing up for something.

At this time in my life:

1. I’ve been happily married for 13 years and counting. That’s been an incredible challenge because some INFP behaviors are not conducive to healthy relationships.
2. I work full time as a web developer for a multi-million dollar company which lets me live comfortably and travel and even though I don’t dislike my job, it’s doesn’t make me ecstatic to get up in the morning. However, no job ever has and I think it’s an INFP thing.
3. I have 2 daughters, 7 years old (INFP) and 3 years old (??TJ), both of whom I love dearly but as an INFP I’m struggling with balancing time for myself which I need as an INFP and spending quality time with them.
4. I see myself as an entrepreneur so we own real estate. However, I just lost a bunch of money selling one of our condos because I made the classic INFP mistake of being too emotionally attached to an investment and held it too long.
5. I’m happy with the life I’ve created, but at the same time I’m antsy and unsatisfied. The reason for that is that I haven’t worked towards growing into my Ideal Self for quite awhile. I’ve gotten comfortable and that’s a dangerous place to be for an INFP.

If you’ve read my last post, this is my current system. Everything I write about being an INFP is colored by that system and the Rewards I’m seeking inside that system. I take what I know about my specific INFP behaviors in certain situations and then extrapolate general behaviors that could explain the behaviors of INFPs I know.

I think that INFPs that relate to what I write are in similar systems. They’re INFPs that are happy with the lives they’ve built because they’ve worked hard to do so, but at the same time, they’re antsy and they don’t know why.

At first and this is so typically INFP, I wanted this blog for all INFPs. That was just very idealistic of me. In writing, writers develop a relationship with their readers. I see all things in terms of relationships that get created and dissolved. I also believe a major key to any lasting relationship is timing. It’s two people in the same place and time in their life’s journey deciding to go in the same direction for awhile.

This blog won’t make sense to many INFPs because the timing isn’t right. I don’t think INFPs under 28 will get it. That’s okay. The ones you don’t relate now might relate later. Have a bad break up with someone you thought was your one true love. Work for a few years at your dream job and realize that it was more fulfilling as a hobby. Spend a few years getting rejection letters from literary magazines and then get published and realize no one cares except your loved ones. Meet the people that you once belittled as sheep for keeping with the norm and realize that they’re doing the best they can just like the rest of us.

It’s those INFPs who are at the time in their lives where they’re looking for a practical and working balance between their Ideals and their current Circumstances who will relate to my thoughts because that where I am.

I have a System. It works for me. It’s still an idea in progress, but for an INFP what isn’t?

I will try to explain it briefly because I see all things through this System view.

1. The System exists. It is made up of relationships between people and things and ideas.
2. The System is made up of smaller systems like government and game shows.
3. The smaller systems are made up of Games.
4. Games have Rules. You play the Games with the Rules to get the Reward (happiness, a job, physical objects, self-improvement goals, or just wanting to be left alone are all Rewards).
5. If you don’t want the Rewards, don’t play the Games. If you don’t want to play the Games, don’t whine that you’re not getting the Reward.
6. You don’t have to play by all the Rules, but you have to learn the Rules in order to break the Rules. Breaking the Rules is necessary to maintain your individualism.
7. Rewards are not specific to a particular Game. You can choose another Game to get your Reward if you don’t like the one your currently playing.
8. Not all Rewards and not all Games are available to everyone. Sorry, but life isn’t fair. Deal with it.

Example

I like Jon Krakauer’s non-fiction novel, Into the Wild, as an example. The basic story is our fearless protagonist Christopher decides to leave middle-class America and wanders into the Alaskan wilderness. He runs out of resources, starves to death and dies weighing 67 pounds.

So Christopher goes from one system, middle-class America, to another system back country Alaska. He goes from one game to another, maybe the “White Picket Fence” Game to the “I Don’t Want To Die” Game. Perhaps, Christopher thought he was playing the “I Want To Be Free of Material Trappings” Game and that’s why he lost the “I Don’t Want To Die Game” because he was playing by the wrong Rules.

Frequently Asked

What are the Rules?

The Rules are created by those who have gotten the Reward. Some people choose to write books to teach you how to get the Reward. The Rules are any set of guidelines that get you to a particular Reward.

Can I make up my own Rules?

You don’t make up Rules. You discover Rules that let you get a Reward. Yes, new Rules exist, but discovering new Rules is time-consuming because it’s usually by trial and error. If discovering the Rules takes too much time away from actually playing, don’t be surprised if you don’t achieve your Reward.

What if I don’t like any of the Games?

Like I said, you don’t have to play. Just don’t whine when you don’t get the Reward.

Good Players vs Poor Players

Good players know what Rewards they want.
Bad players just play and wonder why they aren’t getting anywhere.

Good players learn more than one set of Rules to get to the Reward they want.
Bad players don’t think the Rules apply to them and feel slighted when they are rewarded.

Good players choose their Games. They don’t get sucked into Games by not choosing.
Bad players complain that they didn’t want to be playing in the first place, but they didn’t choose not to play and then do something about it.

Good players know when to stop playing the moment they no longer want the Reward.
Bad players think that they have no choice but to continue playing whatever crappy game they’re currently in.

Some of the Games That I’m Currently Playing

“I Don’t Want To Die” Game
Reward: not dying

Rules:
Rules for Games are system specific. For my current system, first world country, the rules are pretty simple. 1. Do something someone will pay you money for. 2. Buy food and shelter with said money. 3. If possible avoid things that will kill you like traffic accidents and sociopaths.

Some of the other Games I choose to play:

“I Don’t Want To Be Poor When I’m Old” Game
“Make Sure My Family Knows That I Love Them” Game
“Be A Good Friend” Game
“Don’t Suck At Being You” Game

All of these have Rewards. All of these have Rules. I only like some of the Rules. I don’t know all the Rules but I know enough of them to know which ones I can ignore.

INFPs and the System

INFPs that resist the System are the unhappiest.

Unhappy INFPs don’t like their system, but are unwilling to play the “Moving To a Different System” Game. They don’t like the relationships in the current environment (i.e. their relationship to the government, their relationship to society, their relationship to other people — all systems are relationships), but are unwilling to take action to move to a different system.

Unhappy INFPs don’t like the Rules for some of the Games they are forced to play like the “I Want To Eat” Game. Rules are system specific. You don’t have to work, but don’t complain when you don’t get the Reward – eating.

Unhappy INFPs think the System, the systems, the Games, the Rules are unfair. Of course, they’re unfair, but they’re unfair to everybody.

The Lesson To Be Learned From All of This

The great thing about life is that we can believe any damn thing we like. I find that INFPs more often than not choose to believe things that hinder them instead of help them.

We believe we’re not good enough because our parents taught us this by belittling us or by just ignoring us. We believe if we find the right person, everything will be better meanwhile we put our lives on hold until that magical person comes along.

Beliefs are taught. If we don’t like the ones we have, learn better ones.

Or just make them up.

I venture that the most important part to any blog would be the actual posts.  Too bad I haven’t been writing many. How typically INFP of me.

Considering that INFPs like things open-ended, it’s a bit ironic that we have this tendency towards perfectionism. I want everything to be just right before I dive in, whether it’s finding the perfect time to begin or making sure everything is exactly right before I continue further. Isn’t perfection the end and not the starting point?

Getting things just right meant tweaking the visual design, coming up with a catchy tagline and finding useful WordPress plugins.  All of this busy work is meant to give a good first impression so people will read my blog.  I guess I should probably write something, huh.

Wanting things to be perfect is why I either don’t start things or I put aside projects. It’s my defense mechanism against failure.  I feel that if all my conditions are met whatever endeavor I undertake will have a higher chance of success.  The assumption is that perfect conditions exist in some permanent state. What was perfect timing that I missed yesterday might not be good now. Waiting for optimal conditions to cycle around again is just my fear of failing.

When things aren’t perfect, I relegate things to INFP Limbo. At first I get all excited about something and midway through I lose interest and eventually put the project into the limbo of I’ll-finish-it-later.  For INFPs, good enough isn’t good enough.  INFPs have a certain vision and when my endeavors don’t live up to my expectations, projects fall by the wayside.  My biggest excuse is “I’ll finish this project when I have enough to time to do it right.”

However, more time doesn’t automatically equate to better results. Improvements occur only if I’m spending time on the right things. Spending more time with design is nice, but it’s not going to make me a better blogger. My blog is shiny now, but the words don’t work like I intended. I know what I want to say, but I’m not saying it quite right so I don’t end up saying anything at all. I do busy work as if not writing is going to make me a better writer.

Eventually, I remind myself of lessons learned. Five years ago, my wife and I agonized over when to adopt our first daughter.  Our excuses were, we didn’t have all the money, our home wasn’t suitable for a child, we were too busy and the list went on.  Finally, we realized there would never be a perfect time so we trudged though all the paperwork and turned it in. What we got almost a year later was our daughter.

Often I just have to start and force myself to carry through even though end result might not be what I imagined. Sometimes, it’s better.

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Revision 2.0
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Anyway, a few years ago, my wife and I attended their 3-day financial seminar.  Tonight’s lecture reminded me of the that seminar which sticks in my mind to this day.  As an INFP, it was one of the harder things I’ve had to do.

I’m in my late 30s and I probably wouldn’t have gone in my 20s when I thought I knew everything.  INFPs like to find their own way because it’s about the journey and that so opposite of what this seminar was.  Seminars are about someone teaching you their particular way of doing things.  I’ve always been a bit rebellious about being told how to live my life.

However in trying to find my way to certain goals, I often re-invented the wheel.  That was fine in my 20s when it seemed like I had all the time in the world, but now I feel that sometimes, it is about the destination.  I’d rather be financially free then just be in the process of becoming financially free.

Another issue I had with the 3-day seminar was the active audience participation which included speaker-audience response, group recitations of key points and activities which can feel pretty silly.  Going to a seminar, there is a certain amount of groupthink and brainwashing that occurs.  The INFP in me defines my identity by my individuality, by not being like everyone else.  However, the only way to really get the most out of that seminar was to be like everyone else and to immerse myself into someone else’s way of thinking.

Lastly, many of the activities from that 3-day seminar required that you reveal personal details about your history and your feelings to complete strangers.  That was very uncomfortable and so against INFP type for me.

So why did I subject myself to this?  Because it changed the behaviors I wanted changed and I’m a better person because of it.

I think that was my biggest hangup as an INFP in my 20s.  I was adamant about who I was and what I liked and what I didn’t like and what I felt comfortable doing and what I thought wasn’t me.  All those restrictions of this-is-me and this-isn’t-me as I got older became a very small box to try to fit myself in.

Going to that seminar two years ago wasn’t unusual.  I’m open to learning new things.  However, fully participating in spite of feeling silly or ridiculous wasn’t something I would have done in my 20s.  However, I realized that the things that I’ve always done wasn’t getting me to where I wanted to go.  I couldn’t keep doing the same things, taking the same actions and expecting to get a different result.

I like going to these types of success/self-help seminars because I always learn something new that I haven’t read or heard before.  At the lecture I went to tonight, this is what stuck in my mind:

I’m not as successful as I like because I don’t have to be.  I have other options.  I have the option of living my comfortable middle class life with the yearly vacations without any extra effort.

That gave me alot to think about.  So for the next few days, I’ll be re-evaluating my commitment to my goals.

I took a break last Wednesday to figure out the direction of this blog and where I wanted it to go.  As an INFP, I don’t quite know if I’m doing things right, but I certainly know when I’m doing it wrong.  That was how I felt about my blog entries.

My previous blog entries are just my very opinionated opinions and sometimes even I don’t really care about my opinions so why should I expect someone else to care.  The purpose of this blog was to give someone a better understanding of what it means to be an INFP.  My opinions aren’t what makes me an INFP.  It’s what I do and what I don’t that defines me, that defines what kind of INFP I am.  That is what I’ll try to share.

For example, I’m a risk taker.  Before I had children, I did many high-risk activities for recreation like rock-climbing and martial arts.  Which letter combination of INFPs indicates that I liked doing activities that have risk of physical injury?  I’m very social with my friends. My wife and I hold dinner parties every other week. We often invite people we’ve just met in order to get to know them better.  Which letters of INFP indicates that I like to be social?

I’ve read many descriptions for INFP.  They’re all very flattering, but they’re also very general.  Many of those descriptions seem to have some archetypal heading like Healer or Dreamer as if one word could encompass the sum of any one person. I value my ideals but I’m not an Idealist. I’m very pragmatic when it comes to daily living.  When I read INFP descriptions, I see the exceptions. I see the parts that apply to some INFPs but not all.  I also see parts that could describe anyone not just INFPs.

INFP type gives a good explanation to what I do, e.g. I value my ideals.  However, INFP type doesn’t explain the why, e.g. why do I have these particular values and why are they so important?  Knowing my behavior helps me in the execution of my goals, but I don’t think behavior should be the instrument used to define what those goals should be.

It’s a discrepancy when the MBTI describes INFPs as having strong values while trying to say that behavior preference should be a basis for making career or relationship decisions.  Shouldn’t the strong values be the basis for career and relationships decisions whether or not that career or person is outside the preferred, “best fit” list for an INFP?  Shouldn’t that be the case for everyone, not just INFPs?

As an INFP, I have certain behavior preferences.  These behavior preferences make certain fields easier and more natural over others. However, I don’t think the INFP in me has ever based decisions on what would be easiest for me to do.

Everyone, not just INFPs, do things based on their perceived values.  They choose jobs, significant others and how to spend their free time based on values.  The MBTI does not assess values.  Here are some of my values in no particular order:  freedom, family, career, health, learning, sense of accomplishment, security, excitement, fun and enjoyment, and relationship with others.  I would challenge anyone to order those values from most important to least important by MBTI type.  I have many INFP friends and their values are very different from mine.

It’s because of individual values that some INFP do become teachers while others become computer programmers.  It’s because of their values that some INFPs prefer hanging out with their friends more than staying home with a book.  However, values based life choices isn’t just an INFP trait.  Everyone makes decisions based on their perceived values and they also make poor choices if those perceived values aren’t actually their real values.

As an INFP, I didn’t look for an ENTJ or ESTJ when I was dating because that personality type would balance my preferences and anchor me in the “real” world.  I wanted to be with someone who valued family as much as I did.  I wanted their values to align with mine.  I couldn’t be with someone who valued career more than family, someone who would choose work instead of going to the park with their family on the weekend.

Also, I was never sure what MBTI type had to do with choosing a career.  Okay, if you won $20 million dollars tomorrow and didn’t have to work, what would you be doing?  Whatever your answer is, you should probably be doing that.  Your answer to that question is based on what you value if making money wasn’t an issue.

However, money is an issue so what if that career isn’t feasible with making a decent living?  Well, there are books, tapes, programs and resources that teach how to balance paying rent while working towards the ideal job.  That’s something the MBTI doesn’t help you with.

I like the MBTI.  I love being an INFP.  However, I don’t let being an INFP define what I should or shouldn’t do.  The MBTI doesn’t tell who I am and it definitely doesn’t tell me who I can be.   Wearing the INFP label may feel good because we’re “one of the rarest” personality types.  However, all those lists of traits and descriptors can also be a confining box that doesn’t quite fit all INFPs.

Many INFPs I know like do things outside the norm.  Outside the norm also means outside the range of the normal, preferred behavior for INFPs.  Just because I have a preference for behavior doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t enjoy doing things outside that INFP comfort zone.  Realizing that defining values comes before taking actions and that the MBTI indicates preferences of action not preferences of values is a big step in getting to my goals.

The MBTI should be the last step in figuring out where a person should be going, not the first one.

It’s about making choices and decisions. I think that’s why INFPs who are extreme Ps are more depressed more often than INFPs who border the J preference.

A main cause for unhappiness is that I don’t think INFPs can define “happy” in measurable terms.  Happiness is some vague ideal like Truth. It’s the P part of us, that keeps changing our definitions of happy. It’s hard to achieve a goal that can’t be define. However, I do feel that most INFPs grow out of that phase.  Our definitions for happiness become more concrete as we get older because we realize we’re running out of time. Unfortunately, the goals we finally set for happiness tend towards unrealistic which starts effecting self-worth.

That’s the other reason for depression: self-worth issues. How does a person know their own worth? It’s very simple.

Our worth is measured by how well and how often our actions match our values and our view of ourselves.

INFPs spend so much time analyzing themselves that for the most part we know who we are as a person. Unfortunately, the doing is the hard part. Behavior doesn’t match self-image. Some of it has to do with making choices which INFPs are loathe to do. Some of it has to do with society. Not everyone can be a famous novelist or the next Jackson Pollock even though we might see yourself as one. Society is not a meritocracy.

I think INFPs have more of a need to feel special than any other personality type. We see ourselves as special and our behaviors– 9-5 McJob, worrying about the bills — don’t really match or view of ourselves. So to compensate, we master obscure hobbies, read Baudrillard, take up belly dancing or travel to exotic locations because we need to be part of the select few.

Even more insidious, is that we create these convoluted belief systems to explain to ourselves why our place in the world is the way it is. However, entropy is always prevalent.  Life ends up being average over the long run because the big highs and the low lows take too much energy to maintain. So we end up with this lingering depression, like cough you can’t shake even though you’ve gotten over your cold.

I wholeheartedly believe that life has meaning and lots of it. I also believe that the assumption that the life has meaning is a mistake.

Whether life has meaning is a belief. It’s also a belief that only works if you consciously make a decision to believe it. Because the next step after belief is acting upon that belief.

All those random things that may be unjust, unfair or undesired have no meaning. Events in themselves have no meaning. It’s the interpretation of events that bring meaning. If one chooses to believe that life has meaning than the next action is to interpret events to give meaning. Otherwise, everything is random and we’re screwed.

Look at it this way, any belief system has to be supported by the environment. I had an acquaintance who’s no longer a vegetarian because he climbed Kilimanjaro. He didn’t have a life changing experience at the top. But in that part of Africa as part of the tour, he had a choice between chicken or starving. His environment did not support his belief in vegetarianism.

When you beliefs don’t match your environment you have 1 of 3 choices:

1. Change your belief.
2. Change your environment; or
3. Suffer!

Unfortunately, beliefs about meaning and happiness relate to the environment known as “Life”. We can’t change our environment without dying so we have to change beliefs and act on those beliefs or suffer.

I think the number one belief about life and meaning that INFPs have that causes grief is this: INFPs think that they have to find meaning in their lives.

Meaning isn’t something you find, it’s something you choose.

Or so I’ve chosen to believe. I can’t say I’ve ever regretted making that choice.

I don’t think I’ve met anyone who doesn’t want to be happy. For INFPs, we are happiest when we are being ourselves.  Our difficulty with happiness arises because we define ourselves by Ideal Self not by our Emerging Self.  I prefer the term Emerging Self over Actual Self because the word “emerging” has connotations of movement, of becoming more.

INFPs are in a perpetual state of Becoming.  We see ourselves as the butterfly even though we may still be in the chrysalis.

Because we see ourselves in terms of our Ideal Self, any disconnect between who we want to be and who we are becoming causes unhappiness.

How do we know another person? Is it by what they say or by what they do?

We don’t believe the 40 year old schemer with the get rich quick plan who’s still living with his parent’s basement. We don’t believe the woman who says she’s strong and independent but won’t leave her abusive boyfriend. If someone’s actions consistently do not match their words, INFPs start making negative judgments about that person’s character.

To INFPs who live inside ourselves, actions have always spoken louder than words. We judge other people by what they do not by what they say. We judge ourselves in the same way only harsher.

INFPs have this running internal monologue telling ourselves who we are as a person. We know who we are.  We’ve always known even though there may have been periods in our lives where we wouldn’t admit it.  I call it the Paradox of INFP:  This person that we are is our Ideal Self even though we might not be that person just yet.

We struggle to become our Ideal Self by trying to live our ideals.  However, when our actions don’t match what those ideals then we start making negative judgments about ourselves. If we consistently do things that don’t match our Ideal Self, then deep down we feel that we’re either lying to ourselves or that we’re too grossly incompetent to follow our dreams.

Most INFPs find a weird equilibrium wherein we accomplish enough that the other conflicting actions or inactions can be set aside or ignored for the time being. The problem is that this ongoing behavior creates dysthymia, a low grade lingering depression, because deep-down the idealistic part of ourselves is telling us we can do better than this.

Sometimes our Ideal Self is elusive and our happiness with it.  As INFPs, a key to happiness is finding clarity about ourselves. This is odd advice for INFPs since we know ourselves better than most all of the other types.  However, we live such rich lives within ourselves that sometimes, especially when our lives get chaotic, we can’t see the forest from the trees.

I usually ask myself two questions when I can’t seem to get a grip on my Ideal Self.

1.  What’s really important in my life?
2.  What do I want that I feel will make me happy?

The first question deals with values.  The second deals with goals.  The object is to make sure the two down conflict.

For example, important values can be family, security, friendship, adventure and wealth in that order. If the number one value is family, and the biggest goal is to go trekking the globe which would mean leaving parents, spouse or children behind for an extended period, then that’s a conflict that will cause self-sabotage.

If the highest value is security and the top goal is to be rich and famous, then that’s a conflicting value because it does take a healthy amount of calculated risk to become wealthy.

Clarifying values and goals helps reduce the two-steps forward one step back dance that INFPs are so good at.  More importantly,  knowing ourselves a little better makes us that much happier.