Internal ideals vs external actions

So why is it that happiness seems more elusive for INFPs than the other MBTI types?

I don’t think I’ve met anyone who doesn’t want to be happy. For INFPs, we are happiest when we are being ourselves.  Our difficulty with happiness arises because we define ourselves by Ideal Self not by our Emerging Self.  I prefer the term Emerging Self over Actual Self because the word “emerging” has connotations of movement, of becoming more.

INFPs are in a perpetual state of Becoming.  We see ourselves as the butterfly even though we may still be in the chrysalis.

Because we see ourselves in terms of our Ideal Self, any disconnect between who we want to be and who we are becoming causes unhappiness.

How do we know another person? Is it by what they say or by what they do?

We don’t believe the 40 year old schemer with the get rich quick plan who’s still living with his parent’s basement. We don’t believe the woman who says she’s strong and independent but won’t leave her abusive boyfriend. If someone’s actions consistently do not match their words, INFPs start making negative judgments about that person’s character.

To INFPs who live inside ourselves, actions have always spoken louder than words. We judge other people by what they do not by what they say. We judge ourselves in the same way only harsher.

INFPs have this running internal monologue telling ourselves who we are as a person. We know who we are.  We’ve always known even though there may have been periods in our lives where we wouldn’t admit it.  I call it the Paradox of INFP:  This person that we are is our Ideal Self even though we might not be that person just yet.

We struggle to become our Ideal Self by trying to live our ideals.  However, when our actions don’t match what those ideals then we start making negative judgments about ourselves. If we consistently do things that don’t match our Ideal Self, then deep down we feel that we’re either lying to ourselves or that we’re too grossly incompetent to follow our dreams.

Most INFPs find a weird equilibrium wherein we accomplish enough that the other conflicting actions or inactions can be set aside or ignored for the time being. The problem is that this ongoing behavior creates dysthymia, a low grade lingering depression, because deep-down the idealistic part of ourselves is telling us we can do better than this.

Sometimes our Ideal Self is elusive and our happiness with it.  As INFPs, a key to happiness is finding clarity about ourselves. This is odd advice for INFPs since we know ourselves better than most all of the other types.  However, we live such rich lives within ourselves that sometimes, especially when our lives get chaotic, we can’t see the forest from the trees.

I usually ask myself two questions when I can’t seem to get a grip on my Ideal Self.

1.  What’s really important in my life?
2.  What do I want that I feel will make me happy?

The first question deals with values.  The second deals with goals.  The object is to make sure the two down conflict.

For example, important values can be family, security, friendship, adventure and wealth in that order. If the number one value is family, and the biggest goal is to go trekking the globe which would mean leaving parents, spouse or children behind for an extended period, then that’s a conflict that will cause self-sabotage.

If the highest value is security and the top goal is to be rich and famous, then that’s a conflicting value because it does take a healthy amount of calculated risk to become wealthy.

Clarifying values and goals helps reduce the two-steps forward one step back dance that INFPs are so good at.  More importantly,  knowing ourselves a little better makes us that much happier.