Someone asked me on Twitter how I became so knowledgeable about INFPs. The question makes me a little uncomfortable because it infers that I have some expertise with INFPs. I don’t. I’m just very knowledgeable about me as an INFP.
I read Type Talk and Please Understand Me when I was 20 and fell in love with personality psychology. I read Myers and Briggs’ Gifts Differing. I read Please Understand Me 2. That’s the extent of my formal knowledge of the MBTI, and on top of that I disagree with the books.
I’ve always disliked the various descriptions for INFP. Some of it was true some of the time. Other parts didn’t apply at all. One sentence described me incredibly accurately and the next would be way off base. I quickly decided that the MBTI types were really MBTI stereotypes. I don’t mind stereotypes. Stereotypes are generalizations and generalizations can be useful, but they have no nuances. They don’t take explain the gradations and the exceptions. The INFPs throughout my life are all very different even though we share certain common behaviors.
That’s got me to thinking over the last 20 years of why INFPs are so different. Why are some Christians and others are Wiccans? Why are some more successful in their careers than others? I wrote this blog to share those thoughts about INFPs.
I think way too much. I think about myself way too much. I think about my behaviors in relation to how it can be explained in terms of INFP so much I’m surprised I’m not catatonic and drooling. This behavior has been constant in life and it’s not healthy. So around 20, I started reading Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy and others. My thoughts as I went through their programs was, “Man this would be so much easier if I was a ESTJ.”
However, like all INFPs, I picked and chose the parts that I liked and filed the rest away for later use. I’m 40 this year and being an INFP at 40 is very different than being an INFP at 20. I’ve been many INFPs in those years between.
I’ve been the Hopeless Romantic INFP who stole a Columbia St. street sign, gift-wrapped it and left it anonymously for a girl I had an unrequited crush on who was leaving for Columbia University. I’ve been the Starving Artist INFP who wanted to be writer without realizing that any novel not in the top 15 of the bestsellers list makes around $20K for 2 years worth of writing and revising. I’ve been the Reject The Norm INFP hanging out with all the other anti-establishment folk so I could feel special and different without realizing that I was just being lazy because rejecting something is so much easier than standing up for something.
At this time in my life:
- I’ve been happily married for 13 years and counting. That’s been an incredible challenge because some INFP behaviors are not conducive to healthy relationships.
- I work full time as a web developer for a multi-million dollar company which lets me live comfortably and travel and even though I don’t dislike my job, it’s doesn’t make me ecstatic to get up in the morning. However, no job ever has and I think it’s an INFP thing.
- I have 2 daughters, 7 years old (INFP) and 3 years old (??TJ), both of whom I love dearly but as an INFP I’m struggling with balancing time for myself which I need as an INFP and spending quality time with them.
- I see myself as an entrepreneur so we own real estate. However, I just lost a bunch of money selling one of our condos because I made the classic INFP mistake of being too emotionally attached to an investment and held it too long.
- I’m happy with the life I’ve created, but at the same time I’m antsy and unsatisfied. The reason for that is that I haven’t worked towards growing into my Ideal Self for quite awhile. I’ve gotten comfortable and that’s a dangerous place to be for an INFP.
If you’ve read my last post, this is my current system. Everything I write about being an INFP is colored by that system and the Rewards I’m seeking inside that system. I take what I know about my specific INFP behaviors in certain situations and then extrapolate general behaviors that could explain the behaviors of INFPs I know.
I think that INFPs that relate to what I write are in similar systems. They’re INFPs that are happy with the lives they’ve built because they’ve worked hard to do so, but at the same time, they’re antsy and they don’t know why.
At first and this is so typically INFP, I wanted this blog for all INFPs. That was just very idealistic of me. In writing, writers develop a relationship with their readers. I see all things in terms of relationships that get created and dissolved. I also believe a major key to any lasting relationship is timing. It’s two people in the same place and time in their life’s journey deciding to go in the same direction for awhile.
This blog won’t make sense to many INFPs because the timing isn’t right. I don’t think INFPs under 28 will get it. That’s okay. The ones you don’t relate now might relate later. Have a bad break up with someone you thought was your one true love. Work for a few years at your dream job and realize that it was more fulfilling as a hobby. Spend a few years getting rejection letters from literary magazines and then get published and realize no one cares except your loved ones. Meet the people that you once belittled as sheep for keeping with the norm and realize that they’re doing the best they can just like the rest of us.
It’s those INFPs who are at the time in their lives where they’re looking for a practical and working balance between their Ideals and their current Circumstances who will relate to my thoughts because that where I am.
bunkywu
Feb 5, 2010
8:02 am
wow — this particular post was like hearing my own thoughts and experiences played back to me. uncanny. thanks for always giving me perspective. nice to know we’re not alone out there.
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J
Feb 5, 2010
10:49 am
Ok, this is gonna be a long one….
-Read Type Talk and loved it too….I am a total INFP, but at the same time I don’t want to limit myself and put myself in a box…although I can relate to most INFP behavior, I feel that I’ve “honed” all my “inferior” parts (ESTJ) parts in the last few years…which helps me feel more well-rounded.
-I too, have been wondering lately, why are some INFP’s more “successful” at what they do than other INFP’s who are still floundering.
-I struggle w/ getting out of my head and thinking way too much as well. Been trying to put my S into action more b/c that’s what gets me results, obviously…
-I also, have come to the point in my life, where I’d rather have a “stable full time day job” to live “comfortably” financially (b/c I get stressed out otherwise) and to keep my passions on the side (photography for the most part, b/c making it a full time career would just suck the enjoyment out of it for me…it would feel like another chore…and I’ve already been published, etc)
-I am happily married as well, but yes, marriage is definitely a challenge b/c of the points you mentioned….but also being married to someone who is not an INFP has helped me grow in other areas I couldn’t imagine growing in, if I was w/ my own “type”…
-I was hoping you’d touch on the topic of “parenthood” as an INFP b/c I could foresee in my own life that happening..”struggling with balancing time for myself which I need as an INFP and spending quality time with them”
-I don’t think the “antsy & unsatisfied” thing will ever go away…I’ve just had to learn to not tie it to anything or become overwhelmed by it, thinking something is wrong….I just need to accept it as part of me and figure out what I need to do to quench that..whether it’s planning a getaway, going on a spontaneous drive, picking up a new project/hobby….re-evaluating where I/we’re at on the “journey” and where we want to go/be…and figuring out what we need to do to get there….or just doing something random if I feel like I’m in “routine mode”
-does routine = “comfortable” for you?
-I agree w/ the under 28’s maybe not “getting it”…I turn 30 this year and just the last two years have been really eye-opening for me….late bloomer maybe, but also of course life experience plays a huge part….I’ll probably look back when I’m 40 and think the same thing…
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ockhamdesign Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Routine makes me very comfortable. It’s the new that breaks me out of routine. If I do new things and meet new people, it challenges my perception of what I knew to be true. For example, writing a blog.
Have you been trying new things to challenge your old beliefs?
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Jerry
Feb 5, 2010
1:58 pm
First of all just want to say great post! Even though I don’t think I’m in the same system as you, I still relate to a lot of what you write.
After taking one of those online tests, I spent a lot of time (which for me is an hour or two) reading up on it. Your blog is unique in that it is one of the only places (that I found) where you can find insight on being an INFP that was written by an INFP. I think that is a big reason why your blog is so great to us INFPs.
Even though I saw that you mentioned your “expertise” on the subject in your tagline, I still figured I’d shoot you that tweet. I just assumed that maybe you had read some books or minored in Psych (guess I could have just asked what books you read to avoid the uncomfortable-ness that resulted from it), so I’m glad you wrote this particular post. Going to add the books that you mentioned to my “Books to Read One Day” list.
Anyway, I have a couple of questions (and hopefully you’re in an answering mood!):
1.) Do you think, hypothetically speaking, that if certain factors allowed you to, that you would have still pursued a career as a writer?
Just curious because after going through the motions for what seemed like an eternity, I just started the semi-serious writing “phase” of my life. I really enjoy writing and have been thinking about maybe trying to make a career out of it. Luckily (I tell myself), I’m single with no kids and still in my 20’s so I’m in a little different situation in that I can afford to be a struggling artist for the time being.
2.) There have been instances where I spent almost as much time going over and editing my blog posts to make sure they’re “acceptable” than I did doing the actual writing. I know you’re not a shrink, but in your opinion, do I have some sort OCD problem or is it just INFP perfectionism rearing its ugly head?
Thanks
[Reply]
ockhamdesign Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Read Type Talk. Please Understand Me is too touchy-feely for me. Gifts Differing is if you want to know numbers, lots and lots of numbers. I would highly recommend reading The New Personality Self-Portrait. I love, love, love that book. It’s not an MBTI book, but I find it compliments the MBTI. Over the last 20 years, I’ve had 60 or so people I know take it so I could correlate their score with their MBTI type. It’s pretty awesome.
To answer your questions:
1.) Do you think, hypothetically speaking, that if certain factors allowed you to, that you would have still pursued a career as a writer?
I love writing. I still define myself as a writer not as a web developer. It’s pretty easy for me to separate who I am from what I do for money, even if I spend 10 hours a day doing it. I decided that the Reward I wanted wasn’t being published. The Reward I really wanted was to be published, famous and make a lot of money. Then I found out all the Rules for that Reward. The Rules are onerous.
I decided an easier Reward was to make enough money to travel and never have to worry about paying my mortgage. I still want the Reward of being published, just published in print by a known press. I’m just starting to get back to pursuing that Reward.
However, you absolutely, without a single doubt in my mind, should take shot at writing as a career. You will regret it later if you don’t. For an INFP, I think it’s healthier to fail miserably than to regret. Also, if you learn the Rules before you start, it improves your odds of not failing.
2.) There have been instances where I spent almost as much time going over and editing my blog posts to make sure they’re “acceptable” than I did doing the actual writing. I know you’re not a shrink, but in your opinion, do I have some sort OCD problem or is it just INFP perfectionism rearing its ugly head?
I think it’s INFPs not wanting to let go of something great because then it’s done.
You want to know a secret. Sometimes, I revise my blog after I post it. As long as I don’t change any major points, I’m fine with it. People treat blogs like print. It’s not. Blogs post are organic and should be allowed to continue growing.
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Jeanine
Feb 6, 2010
12:02 am
“I think it’s INFPs not wanting to let go of something great because then it’s done.”
I did that with a short story (fan fiction) for months! All I had to do was edit and post the epilogue and I waited months to do it. So glad to read that it’s an INFP thing.
With articles and blog posts I don’t have as big a problem with that, but fiction. Oy!
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Monique S.
Feb 6, 2010
5:55 pm
“Have a bad break up with someone you thought was your one true love. Work for a few years at your dream job and realize that it was more fulfilling as a hobby. Spend a few years getting rejection letters from literary magazines and then get published and realize no one cares except your loved ones. Meet the people that you once belittled as sheep for keeping with the norm and realize that they’re doing the best they can just like the rest of us.”
The only one of these I haven’t experienced is the “spend a few years getting rejections from literary magazines” bit. Only in the past two years I really discovered that last one (I call it my new found appreciation for the mainstream) and I’ve never seen the concept written down before or spoken as though understood. I certainly appreciate your blogging…thanks.
Here’s my question (separate from the above comment):
Firstly, do you have that feeling inside of wanting to share your talents and passions with as many as are willing; knowing that you would be contributing to the community you appreciate shares so much with you. Only to realise that actually doing it is frustrating, because
a) the activity was so enjoyable because it was rejuvenating alone time, and
b) most if not all of my activities need to be rejuvenating otherwise I just don’t want to do it.
Do you or have you ever feel or felt this way. If so what do you do or have you done to reconcile these two needs?
[Reply]
ockhamdesign Reply:
February 6th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I find that wanting to share my talents with people is usually about wanting to feel special and getting recognition as much as it is about adding benefit to someone’s life. The problem with that is it’s 2nd party dependent which is outside your control. I think that’s a major cause of unhappiness for INFPs.
My rejuvenating activities, I keep to myself. For example, I go dancing every week. Since I go to the same places, at any given time, I know about 20 or so people when I go. I say hi and catch up briefly but I’m there to dance, not socialize. I have other activities where I socialize but my weekly dance night is not one of them.
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Sue London
Feb 11, 2010
12:26 pm
“The Reward I really wanted was to be published, famous and make a lot of money. Then I found out all the Rules for that Reward. The Rules are onerous.”
Exactly!!
And that appreciation of the mainstream thing? Yeah, spent years and years learning that one.
Any other INFPs have a problem that I do? If I judge something then it guarantees that I will have to experience it myself. I write it off to “God’s sense of humor.” A good example was saying “Why do people drive so far for a job?” when I was in my teens and my co-workers at the mall would come in from the surrounding counties. Within a decade of THAT nasty comment my commute to DC was clocking in at 2 1/2 hours one way on a good day. (Yes, I had my reasons.) There are many, many more examples from my life and I’ve learned to accept others (easy enough because we INFPs are all into that) on a whole different level, not just their selves (who they are) but their actions (what they do).
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